Howdy guys. I know I have not been paying much attention to this crappy blog of mine and to even sprucing up a bit to make it more readable but I know for now I don't have much time to do so. I'll try to do better next time. But before that, let me start off by saying that I have finally finished my semester exam and it's now my sem break. All is freaking awesome with this world again. Not to mention countless hours of sleeps and entertainment that I can experience here in my own home. I'm happy to tell you that I've finished my exam two days ago and though it was a nerve wrecking week for me but nothing beats having friends coming over and hoping to hop in as well while you're studying. Learning together and chatting things that none of which would come up if exam wasn't even near.
I know I've mentioned abt finals a couple of time and yes my sole intention of writing here in the first place is to briefly describe to you the horror of my exam week, putting aside the part where I mentioned about friends earlier. So the weekend started of with english as the opening to the whole week of creepiness and crapiness. I would describe as nothing more as an exercise to me because I know that english at that time wasn't as important as other subjects. So I answered it with patience and effort but I'm not too worried of the outcome later on. And yeah I forgot to mention that I had a muet test a few days before the exam and it was speaking test. It was awesome and that was the first time that I felt quite satisfied with my performance. So yeah I'll elaborate on that in the next post.
Okay, so on the evening I had my maths paper 1 exam and how do I describe it? Well, it was excruciatingly mind-pestering. I had to brainstorm for about 15 minutes just for a question and sometimes though I'd tried to find the answers or even the idea of solving it, I failed. I did leave a few questions unanswered and that was the first time I did that for a very important occasion like this one. I used to have at least a tinge of idea of what to do and that I used to patch the empty spaces in my paper but this time I just left it blank, answerless. stupid of me right? And what's more worrying is that I'm not confident with the answers that I gave. I felt that though I did solve it but my answers could be just blatantly wrong maybe due to my carelessness of writing or scheming the questions that I understood wrongly.
So after that was the two days off for a more time to study or revise on other chapters for other subjects. I wasted it by sleeping and procrastinating. How dumb was I to do that when such a very important exam taking place. Fu** my laziness. (sorry for the harsh word)
Then it was exam time all over again. The day started off with paper 2 for maths and ended by english paper 2. Maths was again not a friend to me. It drained my thoughts to the very bottom of my head that I felt like suffocating and I can no longer think properly. I hated this feeling so much. The feeling of not accomplishing the best result. English though it wasn't as important but I did it like it was point that could affect my pointers.
So the next day, was physics. You know what, I love physics so much. I love memorising those tough long formulas and understanding concepts that I never knew exist. But,,, and yes there's a but... the exam yet again managed to make my eyes swell a bit. It made teary because I can't answer most of the questions. And I even created my own answers. and not to mention the feeling of writing something ambiguous that the examiner my not take it as a correct answer. Oh dear god, I'm in a hell lot of trouble. So the evening was physics paper 1. 30 questions altogether and I need to finish it in an hour. So then I thought, 30 questions, this must be easy and must have more than enough time to sleep after that. Oh god, Ive never been so wrong in my entirely life. Though an hour was allocated, I still hadn't finished answering it and I managed to scribble obliviously a few answers on my objective paper.
The next day was bio. This time it was like heaven to me. You know why? Because I answered it with sheer understanding and confidence. I had no worries or doubts while answering it. for both papers. Well, I did spend a lot of time reading bio and leaving other subjects unintended. Maybe that's why I find so hard for the other subjects. So finally the exam week was ended with chemistry as the closing. Truth be told, I always did love and master this subject that I take no effort of revising the day before the exam. And look at me, chemistry was freaking hard for me. Shit! Hated the time where I realised that I answered question number 1 wrongly and let alone for the other questions.. Man, Im so screwed that I don't know how my result will soon turn out.
The best prayers for me yes mate! Please dear god give me excellent result for this exam. Im counting on my carry marks to help me and that the examiner wouldn't pay much attention to the fault that I made. :,(
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Just something for the mind
Let's just cut to the chase. Less than 2 weeks now, I'm going to sit for a very important exam. It's what us matriculation students call as PSPM 1. Am I ready yet, you ask? The answer would definitely be, no! Why you ask? Okay, let's be serious, how can someone cope with that awful lot of reading? I am for sure I'm not in the list of those people who would keep on reading no matter how sleepy they are, because to me it would be wasting my time doing something knowing that it will not result in what I would expect it to be. Please, people don't ever take the sentence before this as an advice. I'm just implying of how not determined am I to keep on straining my eyes on those heavy, thick, awfully written notes, I keep.
Yes, I know that the time is ticking but what antidote that I need to consume so that I can just put my laziness aside and just propel myself with that 'jetpack' to keep me on the right track. I'm really not in the mood of saying this but I have to admit, getting a lot of attention from my friends back in matriculation can be a poison to the mind. It makes myself feel too complacent with my current situation that I put no effort to keep on working harder. In fact, I'm deteriorating in terms of my determination. People are always telling me that I'm smart though I really doubt that, that it makes me feel too proud sometimes. But I try as hard as I can to keep my ego down to a minimum.
Well guys, as much as my friends tried to convince me that I am smart, I still have doubts that I can keep on emitting excellence in my studies. The truth is success can not be obtain if you don't work for it. And there is no such thing as pure geniuses. How can someone be knowledgeable if they don't gain knowledge and how can someone keep performing if they don't work their asses off for it. That's why I believe that never be discouraged if your result don't portray what you always wanted. You just need to work on it more and never loose hope. with that I bid sayonara to everyone!
Yes, I know that the time is ticking but what antidote that I need to consume so that I can just put my laziness aside and just propel myself with that 'jetpack' to keep me on the right track. I'm really not in the mood of saying this but I have to admit, getting a lot of attention from my friends back in matriculation can be a poison to the mind. It makes myself feel too complacent with my current situation that I put no effort to keep on working harder. In fact, I'm deteriorating in terms of my determination. People are always telling me that I'm smart though I really doubt that, that it makes me feel too proud sometimes. But I try as hard as I can to keep my ego down to a minimum.
Well guys, as much as my friends tried to convince me that I am smart, I still have doubts that I can keep on emitting excellence in my studies. The truth is success can not be obtain if you don't work for it. And there is no such thing as pure geniuses. How can someone be knowledgeable if they don't gain knowledge and how can someone keep performing if they don't work their asses off for it. That's why I believe that never be discouraged if your result don't portray what you always wanted. You just need to work on it more and never loose hope. with that I bid sayonara to everyone!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Life as a Matriculation Student
For those who didn't know I am now officially a matriculation student. Well, no drum rolls for that because I don't think it's that shocking considering how I was in dire need of attention that I posted every single sadness and my oppression in this little blog of mine.
Actually, I hadn't seen the big picture before I entered matriculation that I thought it was the end of the world for me and that I had nothing else but to be discouraged and to lose hope but now everything finally changed drastically! I found out that it is much easier to start all over again than to continue on doing what you have difficulty in doing. It's like I'm learning SPM all over again but much more conceptual and theoretical. I had an awesome time. I got to meet new friends and create a new identity for myself and I can let all of the heartaches that I had before go and start anew with a brand new life's journal. No longer had I felt disappointed with myself but to amend what is current with myself.
I know that life is not always what you wanted but life always knows what's best for you. I had someone telling me before a story, that a mother will never let her son play with a knife even though how much her son insisted that he wants to play. She will always protect her child from any injuries especially ones that can be fatal. But the mother will try to make her son happy by giving him something else to play with- a toy. It applies here how life works. God loves us and that sometimes we act like that son, oblivious to the danger and only desire what we thought it's the best for us but in reality it might be the worst thing for us so God compensate the things that we didn't get with something much better.
There, I had a lot of fun laughing with my friends that I forgot all the sadness that used to revolve around me every single day. Each and every second me being there was a delight and my studies become into prominence when I managed to score in my previous trial UPS. but I took it nothing else but just as an exercise to further meliorate what I have already understood and fill in the loop holes that I have with my current understanding. But I must say, Biology for matriculation is quite tough because I still can't paint any picture in my mind of what kind of questions that they might give us. Other than that, everything seems fine so far and I hope that it'll continue on to be that way but who knows, if I start to procrastinate everything would just turned topsy-turvy again.
Well guys, I think that's all for now. I wish you all the best with your future undertakings and I wish all the muslims Happy Eid Fitr and may this year be a triumphant victory in what ever we do. Amin. :)
Actually, I hadn't seen the big picture before I entered matriculation that I thought it was the end of the world for me and that I had nothing else but to be discouraged and to lose hope but now everything finally changed drastically! I found out that it is much easier to start all over again than to continue on doing what you have difficulty in doing. It's like I'm learning SPM all over again but much more conceptual and theoretical. I had an awesome time. I got to meet new friends and create a new identity for myself and I can let all of the heartaches that I had before go and start anew with a brand new life's journal. No longer had I felt disappointed with myself but to amend what is current with myself.
I know that life is not always what you wanted but life always knows what's best for you. I had someone telling me before a story, that a mother will never let her son play with a knife even though how much her son insisted that he wants to play. She will always protect her child from any injuries especially ones that can be fatal. But the mother will try to make her son happy by giving him something else to play with- a toy. It applies here how life works. God loves us and that sometimes we act like that son, oblivious to the danger and only desire what we thought it's the best for us but in reality it might be the worst thing for us so God compensate the things that we didn't get with something much better.
There, I had a lot of fun laughing with my friends that I forgot all the sadness that used to revolve around me every single day. Each and every second me being there was a delight and my studies become into prominence when I managed to score in my previous trial UPS. but I took it nothing else but just as an exercise to further meliorate what I have already understood and fill in the loop holes that I have with my current understanding. But I must say, Biology for matriculation is quite tough because I still can't paint any picture in my mind of what kind of questions that they might give us. Other than that, everything seems fine so far and I hope that it'll continue on to be that way but who knows, if I start to procrastinate everything would just turned topsy-turvy again.
Well guys, I think that's all for now. I wish you all the best with your future undertakings and I wish all the muslims Happy Eid Fitr and may this year be a triumphant victory in what ever we do. Amin. :)
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Ideas
Currently in a state of happiness and joy. I downloaded a few reference books that might be handy when I'm in matriculation and I now understood why it is so hard to comprehend a certain topic in those books. Not because it's a lot to digest and it's not about how the sentences are narrated. The usage of words well to be honest, there are words that are not discernible but still dictionaries are always my best friend. So no harm in that. It's just now we're learning everything that is a theory, some are not proven to be in fact correct and it's just theory that we need to uphold for a moment while there's other proven theory being introduced. That's why these reference books are constantly renewed.
For me, I find it so hard to grasp a certain concept because it is not explained well. Because we are almost at the level where the things we learned are almost coming to an end and that we have to understand because it correlates to other chapters in our learning. It's very sophisticated of how those scientists could come up with those other relatively interesting ideas. Sometimes, I can't seem to understand the things I read and there are these black holes in my mind everytime I start to read which are in a hunger of a plausible explanation.
Sometimes you go to the lecturer and start asking those question, most of them would give us very obscured understanding because sometimes it came out as their sole opinions and not from the written reference. I don't blame them because there's no scientist who can prove to the existence of those ideas yet. Well, the fun thing about it is that, you know that you can still win a noble prize because there are still holes that you can fill in. To make it more understandable. Or introduce to the world a new way of looking to a certain problem. Capturing ideas no other people in the world would think of doing. These are the tangible benefits I find, what makes me happy and very rejoiced. I know that I can still contribute because sometimes the world needs that. That one contribution that no one else can give.
There's a lot of theories and stories and explanations but no sheer facts are put into it. Sometimes the only thing that they can say that it's the law of nature and that it can not be put in a different manner. Most of the times, I see this as a flaw that needs fixing. It needs someone out there in the world to minimise the perceivable flaw and transform it into the finest theory there is. Well, when Albert Einstein introduced the theory of relativity it was merely a theory, an understanding which was contrived from his own opinion and can still be repudiated with other understanding or be made perfect with more substantiated explanations.
Even Stephen Hawking a very prominent physicist challenged the idea of going back into the past. In his article, it was written of how the idea of going back into time is quite impossible. The orthodox of it is that when the person who is from the present time would go back several years before, let's say 10 years in the past and suddenly buys a gun and shot his younger self, how can the older self still survive all this while? If time is like a straight path that it would be impossible to cross each other, how can that even happen? It's like the present shouldn't have exist for that person because he died 10 years before.
So this ideas or in other words theories are always in need of fixing and that's why it so important for us to challenge certain norm, or status quo. We can't just keep on believing something that is right when it's actually not. We need not to succumb to our thoughts that we are incapable of doing it. It's possible if you just tell it to yourself that it's not impossible. It's the fact not somekind of notion that we believe that people often belittle themselves because there are people who are better than them. But that's the truth they are better than you, so what? You can be better than them to, it just needs some kind of twitching here and there and you're good to go.
For me, I find it so hard to grasp a certain concept because it is not explained well. Because we are almost at the level where the things we learned are almost coming to an end and that we have to understand because it correlates to other chapters in our learning. It's very sophisticated of how those scientists could come up with those other relatively interesting ideas. Sometimes, I can't seem to understand the things I read and there are these black holes in my mind everytime I start to read which are in a hunger of a plausible explanation.
Sometimes you go to the lecturer and start asking those question, most of them would give us very obscured understanding because sometimes it came out as their sole opinions and not from the written reference. I don't blame them because there's no scientist who can prove to the existence of those ideas yet. Well, the fun thing about it is that, you know that you can still win a noble prize because there are still holes that you can fill in. To make it more understandable. Or introduce to the world a new way of looking to a certain problem. Capturing ideas no other people in the world would think of doing. These are the tangible benefits I find, what makes me happy and very rejoiced. I know that I can still contribute because sometimes the world needs that. That one contribution that no one else can give.
There's a lot of theories and stories and explanations but no sheer facts are put into it. Sometimes the only thing that they can say that it's the law of nature and that it can not be put in a different manner. Most of the times, I see this as a flaw that needs fixing. It needs someone out there in the world to minimise the perceivable flaw and transform it into the finest theory there is. Well, when Albert Einstein introduced the theory of relativity it was merely a theory, an understanding which was contrived from his own opinion and can still be repudiated with other understanding or be made perfect with more substantiated explanations.
Even Stephen Hawking a very prominent physicist challenged the idea of going back into the past. In his article, it was written of how the idea of going back into time is quite impossible. The orthodox of it is that when the person who is from the present time would go back several years before, let's say 10 years in the past and suddenly buys a gun and shot his younger self, how can the older self still survive all this while? If time is like a straight path that it would be impossible to cross each other, how can that even happen? It's like the present shouldn't have exist for that person because he died 10 years before.
So this ideas or in other words theories are always in need of fixing and that's why it so important for us to challenge certain norm, or status quo. We can't just keep on believing something that is right when it's actually not. We need not to succumb to our thoughts that we are incapable of doing it. It's possible if you just tell it to yourself that it's not impossible. It's the fact not somekind of notion that we believe that people often belittle themselves because there are people who are better than them. But that's the truth they are better than you, so what? You can be better than them to, it just needs some kind of twitching here and there and you're good to go.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Self reminder
I know with all the negativity that is potrayed in this blog, most of you would feel there's no use to reading this type of nonsense. But who cares? I don't.
Well, today I'm feeling a little bit sad. I resent this feeling. I had something pestering my mind and I know what it was but I don't feel like disclosing it. It has something to do with personal issues specifically to how I feel. Have you ever wanted to scream it out loud so that everybody can hear and listen to you? Yeah, that's me but I don't have the guts. I can't even tell it to myself. I'm just ignorant and can't seem to concede to the fact that life is not always what it seems. Sometimes you feel happy about yourself and most of the times, you don't.
Just so you know, I stop hoping since months ago. I know hopes they tend to transform into dreams. And dreams make you feel that it is possible to come true. That's the most dangerous thing about it when you know that it might come true and suddenly it won't, you would just feel like everything is not what you see, feel and touch, smell and most importantly hear. Your desire to stay on track has come to an end and you don't know what to do anymore. Despite how determine I am to stay on my feet, honestly I can't.
People say they can stay positive after something awful happened to them and I can't seem to take hold of that. The idea to stay strong though you know that in reality everything is not what you intended it to be, just irked me. I feel deceived. And I can't keep on telling myself all of these lies. I can't tell myself that everything's going to be alright when it's not.
I need to be honest and just go straight to the mirror and knock some senses into my own head that I'm not what I hoped that I would be. I'm not even close to being what I had in my mind. It's just the figment of my awfully creative imagination. I don't know why people tend to believe that I'm that strong. I'm not people! I'm just not. I know this might sound so stupid but I can't rely on my thoughts that everything's going to be fine as it was before. No it's not. It's not going to be okay unless there's some tangible effort you're putting into it. And right now the only thing I can see is that how I love to lay back and procrastinate. That's not the sign of success. That's a weakness that I need to tackle on. An issue that has been long suffocating me and my thoughts.
Now the wrath that it brings clouds every detail, every judgement, every single idea I had in mind. It's all gone because I'm too busy slacking off. Husain. Husaini. Husen! Or what ever name you call yourself, please stop nagging on tiny details and just see the big picture. Yeah everything's ruined. You have finally realised that but just move on dude. Life is not about success, it's about how you curb those failure and turn it into one of your best success. Life is all about truth, honesty and reality. Life is negativity but you just to need put some effort so that it can be thought positively. So dude, man you're just stupid now but it's okay you can be dumb-looking but just don't quit.
You failed so what's so harsh about it? Just move on. No one cares how hapless you are. Just think of this as another of your sad moments and what kind of self-biography would it be if it doesn't have any downfalls. It's life dude so it's normal to have those moments where you feel that everything's not alright. And it is not alright, it's reality. Stop sulking and be honest to yourself.
Well, today I'm feeling a little bit sad. I resent this feeling. I had something pestering my mind and I know what it was but I don't feel like disclosing it. It has something to do with personal issues specifically to how I feel. Have you ever wanted to scream it out loud so that everybody can hear and listen to you? Yeah, that's me but I don't have the guts. I can't even tell it to myself. I'm just ignorant and can't seem to concede to the fact that life is not always what it seems. Sometimes you feel happy about yourself and most of the times, you don't.
Just so you know, I stop hoping since months ago. I know hopes they tend to transform into dreams. And dreams make you feel that it is possible to come true. That's the most dangerous thing about it when you know that it might come true and suddenly it won't, you would just feel like everything is not what you see, feel and touch, smell and most importantly hear. Your desire to stay on track has come to an end and you don't know what to do anymore. Despite how determine I am to stay on my feet, honestly I can't.
People say they can stay positive after something awful happened to them and I can't seem to take hold of that. The idea to stay strong though you know that in reality everything is not what you intended it to be, just irked me. I feel deceived. And I can't keep on telling myself all of these lies. I can't tell myself that everything's going to be alright when it's not.
I need to be honest and just go straight to the mirror and knock some senses into my own head that I'm not what I hoped that I would be. I'm not even close to being what I had in my mind. It's just the figment of my awfully creative imagination. I don't know why people tend to believe that I'm that strong. I'm not people! I'm just not. I know this might sound so stupid but I can't rely on my thoughts that everything's going to be fine as it was before. No it's not. It's not going to be okay unless there's some tangible effort you're putting into it. And right now the only thing I can see is that how I love to lay back and procrastinate. That's not the sign of success. That's a weakness that I need to tackle on. An issue that has been long suffocating me and my thoughts.
Now the wrath that it brings clouds every detail, every judgement, every single idea I had in mind. It's all gone because I'm too busy slacking off. Husain. Husaini. Husen! Or what ever name you call yourself, please stop nagging on tiny details and just see the big picture. Yeah everything's ruined. You have finally realised that but just move on dude. Life is not about success, it's about how you curb those failure and turn it into one of your best success. Life is all about truth, honesty and reality. Life is negativity but you just to need put some effort so that it can be thought positively. So dude, man you're just stupid now but it's okay you can be dumb-looking but just don't quit.
You failed so what's so harsh about it? Just move on. No one cares how hapless you are. Just think of this as another of your sad moments and what kind of self-biography would it be if it doesn't have any downfalls. It's life dude so it's normal to have those moments where you feel that everything's not alright. And it is not alright, it's reality. Stop sulking and be honest to yourself.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
My life...
If you were to see me two months ago and ask me what I would want to do in the future I would happily lay out to you my plans coherently but now everything's obscured, my future is cloudy and every single plan that I had before is ruined. I used to have a clear mind of what I would want to do in the future but now, all that I could think of is what I should do to salvage the downfall of my life. I have nothing now, only matriculation to hold on to. My mind is too wicked by the fact that my goal is now falling down into the drain and there's nothing viable that I could do to gain what I had lost.
I've been in the matriculation for a whole week and there's nothing good that I can say except for the friends that I managed to make. They're the ones who are keeping me there, still in the need to reaching my goal. But what goal? I know I want to succeed but what? I know I want to go abroad, study there, spend a quarter of my life, embarking to an inevitable abyss of possibilities. I know one way of doing that but I'll come back, serving for the government, working as a lecturer for the whole 7 years of my life. Am I up for it? I know I want to succeed and study abroad but would I want to risk everything just to know that I'll come back as a lecturer?
It has always been my dream to become a lecturer, enlightening other people with the knowledge that I have. But would that be enough to satisfy my desire, my goal, my very dream? If only god grants me what I desire most in life but that's a question I shouldn't dare to ask. I know god knows what's best for me and I should embrace it and not to question it. But I'm just to sad. I'm sad but I can't cry, I don't even know how to express it. I know that there's a lump in my throat just waiting to explode but I can't. There's something holding me back but I don't know what.
There's too much going on with my life and I can't simply digest all of that. I need some time to recover and set a new goal. I need some time to contemplate, to ponder on what I should do next. Had everything gone according to plan, I wouldn't have to put so much effort in carving a new goal in my brain. I should have done something, but it's too late. There's nothing that I can do now but to wait and seize any opportunity coming towards me. But I doubt that would happen in the near future. So I'm going to wait and bare some hope that it will sooner or later be presented in the greatest way to me.
I hope god sees prayers and grants me my wish that I would soon get what I want. I want MARA, in the course that I intended and at the place that I wish to pursue my studies. Degree in Actuarial Science, UK. Amin. :)
I've been in the matriculation for a whole week and there's nothing good that I can say except for the friends that I managed to make. They're the ones who are keeping me there, still in the need to reaching my goal. But what goal? I know I want to succeed but what? I know I want to go abroad, study there, spend a quarter of my life, embarking to an inevitable abyss of possibilities. I know one way of doing that but I'll come back, serving for the government, working as a lecturer for the whole 7 years of my life. Am I up for it? I know I want to succeed and study abroad but would I want to risk everything just to know that I'll come back as a lecturer?
It has always been my dream to become a lecturer, enlightening other people with the knowledge that I have. But would that be enough to satisfy my desire, my goal, my very dream? If only god grants me what I desire most in life but that's a question I shouldn't dare to ask. I know god knows what's best for me and I should embrace it and not to question it. But I'm just to sad. I'm sad but I can't cry, I don't even know how to express it. I know that there's a lump in my throat just waiting to explode but I can't. There's something holding me back but I don't know what.
There's too much going on with my life and I can't simply digest all of that. I need some time to recover and set a new goal. I need some time to contemplate, to ponder on what I should do next. Had everything gone according to plan, I wouldn't have to put so much effort in carving a new goal in my brain. I should have done something, but it's too late. There's nothing that I can do now but to wait and seize any opportunity coming towards me. But I doubt that would happen in the near future. So I'm going to wait and bare some hope that it will sooner or later be presented in the greatest way to me.
I hope god sees prayers and grants me my wish that I would soon get what I want. I want MARA, in the course that I intended and at the place that I wish to pursue my studies. Degree in Actuarial Science, UK. Amin. :)
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