My story of life

When I watched a movie, I would get all excited and anxious to get to the end of the story because usually the ending is the part where the conflicts would be untangled and the answers to all of the riddles are there. It would normally be a happy ending. But to be honest, that was never the real ending to the story. Life keeps on going after that even though the filming stops. To me, there's never a happy ending. Endings are always sad and we just need to know how to cope with them.

Since we were children, the stories told to us would be joyful and meaningful and ended with a happy ending. But as we grow older, we know that that's not the real thing here. We don't see people getting married and lived happily ever after. We don't see couples who knew each other just for a day and immediately getting married after that. There really isn't any real handsome knight in shining armour to save you from the evil clutch of a gruesome witch and marry you when it's all over. Life's just not like that.

You see a married couple so in love and happy together and wish that the time would just stop so that they can continue on cherishing the moment they have together, but as time evolve so is the relationship. The flame on a candle which was used to light up so brightly will soon lose its brightness and dim and finally go off. That spark was never to be found again and what's keeping them together is their children, if they even have any.

You see movies where people would just open up a business and it was very hard for them at first and in the end, the business which was so tough at first became so easy to them. But we all know that there's a sequel to that story. It won't always be like that. Soon, the business will experience a downfall and it's up to that person who needs to salvage everything that was left and just start anew. He will probably get on his feet again and then thrive again and might even be more successful. That's just life.

We hope that the ending would be great but it isn't really. You know you just need to keep on going and no matter how suck you're making your life as it is, just accept it and continue on doing what you're doing. Probably you'll stuck at some places but don't worry. You just need to get back on your feet and start making new stories. But this time you better make many versions of them. You'll never know how they'll end but what you do know is that there's always going to be a new start and along the way,  you'll make new happy moments and meet that strong knight you've been searching for, be in love, open up a business and ending your life as you wish

Randomising my thoughts again

Why do I feel unsatisfied with myself? I see no clear answer to that. I have a family, a complete one in this case. I have a house, a cute cat and home equipments to render my days pleasant. I have friends; I have close friends who understand me and accept me for who I am. I was sent to school since kindergarten and received a really good education. I had moments where I felt surreal because I just accomplished and succeeded doing something which was beyond my very own expectation.

I had a bicycle; I rode it everyday when I went to school. I was then sent to a boarding school which was really a privilege back then. It wasn't any other school to me, it was a special one. I met tons of new friends and manage to enrich my life with the things that I never thought that I will ever do. I carved my own specific future which was to be one day a realisation. I knew myself better then the last 15 years before I entered that school. I know I can be anything as long as I keep my mind focused and fixated onto that one goal.

I have a splendid life. I don't really have any real tragic events that could traumatised me when I was little. I have loving parents who care for me and cater to my every need despite the ones which were hard to materialise. I have sisters and brother who love me more than I could have ever wanted. They give me presents on my birthday, sing a song and wish me happy birthday. That was more than enough to me.

But why do I feel my life to be incomplete? - lacking of something important, essential in keeping me alive. I don't know what or why. I don't know how to solve this ambiguous problem but what I do know it's eating me alive inside and out. It keeps me from being happy; it doesn't allow me to smile even one bit when I'm alone. Once I have my mind wandered off into an unknowing, all of these vivid visions of the failures that I did throughout my life come crashing into one small threshold in my mind. It's now packed with unresolved issues, resolved but problematic ones and the problems which probable enough to come true in the future.

It's keeping me far away from myself. It's not giving me any benefit what so ever. It trashes my thoughts, my feelings with these unwarranted notions of my deepest failure. I know I have everything already, but a positive outlook isn't what's present in my mind right now. Only negativity thrives and sets foot into my mind, belittling every idea, concept that I have about life or about my future. I'm lacking of that person who knows me better than anyone else. I don't have that person who can guide me through the right way when I am lost. I haven't yet found that person who can encourage me to keep on going despite all of the casualties that might have befallen onto me. I'm not sure if I will ever find one but when I do, I'm going to make sure that I'll keep a good care of her.

It's almost the end of holidays

I don't really have any particular topic to write especially when my holidays are spent completely in my own home by myself and not with my friends nor my family. Whom should I blame this to? I should blame myself for this mundane holiday I spent isolated from my friends when I could have gone to many wondrous places and even to the beach just at the back of my house; I can watch flocks of synchronised birds flying above my head, the ever beautiful sunset, primordial since the beginning of time and the vast abysmal turquoise ocean which nothing could fathom its depth, so deep ,profound and fraught with mysteries of life. I could have spent my time engrossing onto the ever so enjoyable scene of humans playing football or even better that I could have joined them to the excitement of team work and effort.

Curiosity has always been intertwined with my destiny since my nascence to this earth oblivious to any circumstances which might lie before me or have been presented to me in the most eerie and unfathomed way that only true believers could comprehend its hidden meaning, deciphering the algorithm in which only god knows how to perform. I should have enjoyed the moment by relinquishing my thirst to my curiosity of how this world have come into prominence and worked its way to help mankind symbiotically living together with mother nature and other living creatures.

Long have I coveted the moment where I could be alone to my books on an island peaceful enough that only the sound of gush wind and waves pattering harmoniously could penetrate my ears. I have always imagined myself unwinding to the sound of nature working at its course.

All those wonderful moment that I had should have been preoccupied with memorable and ponderable activities. Never will it be so wasting nor unwittingly spent, had I planned everything beforehand. It's too late for me to feel that way and more so that I had to go back to my college in just a few days from now. I wish I could have more time to enjoy my holidays and don't have to feel too burden by those heavy notes, books and most importantly responsibilities as a student, son and friend. Truthfully, I have so many things on my plate and I have to make sure that everything that I do is impeccable and without error.

Wishing for all the luck that I could get from you guys. :)

Friends

What are friends? In general, friends are like long-life companions where they stick to you till the end. You share everything together, you eat together, laugh together and even sing together. Having friends are life's pleasures. They give you hope and unequivocal certainty about life and they'll lead you to your own path. They know what's best for you and for your entire life. Helping you to your times of needs is their absolute priority in life and nothing can change that fact. They'll lend you a hand though it is difficult for them to do so and it might even jeopardise their own life in doing it.

Making mistakes and teasing each other are like your common necessity in keeping the friendship going. Friends give you joy and happiness and put a big smile on your face when you're down and gloomy. They'll in fact sing you a song to cheer you up, giving you hope that no one else can. 

Sometimes, life is like a rocking boat, imbalanced and uncertain. Most often we see life in its brightest side and sometimes we don't but friends are the ones who can shed the light on your ambiguity and confusion about it. Regardless whether they give you appropriate advice or not, its the effort that counts. They'll show you how they can help you in any possible way they can despite the finite strength and wit they have within them. 

If you feel a big burden on your shoulders, they'll lend you their shoulders instead and alleviate the burden to become lesser or even none. These are merely my thoughts and description on what friends are like. Maybe different people have different ideas of what friends are like. But to me, friends can help you, amend you, train you, give joy to you, and lighten up your day. Friends are forever.

Another blabbering from me

This is just some kind of random babbling and I just feel the need to share. So when I was a young kid, I have been ingrained with this notion that to be successful you need to become a doctor. As gullible as I was at that time, I agreed to the idea unknowingly. I felt at that moment everything has been set for me and I just need to make sure that everything would go smoothly. This was the very reason why I would do anything to achieve that so call perfect result in any kind of examination.

But as I grew older, everything seems to change and my ideology of a perfect life has also changed. It was this year that had actually really took my by a stupendous surprise. I thought by obtaining that result that I have always wanted, I could possibly gain anything- I can choose any scholarships I want, I can go to anywhere I want and I practically choose my own path to a freed happy life. 

Those dreams, those hope were then crushed into oblivion when I did not get anything. I was so sad that it took me months and months to recover emotionally. I was depicting this joyful bouyant guy when in fact, my emotions were churning wildly like big whirlpools inside my heart. I had no one to tell this to that I bore this inside my heart for weeks until it finally exploded one day. It was the most difficult moment in my life and I was so ignorant to realise the fact that everything was going to be fine that I chose not to believe it.

I wasn't stern as I was used to and I couldn't think straight and everything seemed so blurry to me. At that moment, I contemplated for a very very long time. It took me quite a long time to realise that fame, money, wealth and fortune are not everything. Happiness is what's important here. The essential part about all of this is that, though you might have a big condominium, a shiny red racing car and hectars and hectars of land, it can never ensure that you'll achieve that total happiness you've been searching for. 

You might have a lot of money but are you happy with you're current life? And are you happy doing what you're currently doing right now? I don't want to spend my whole life doing something I don't want to. It's taking away my happiness though I might gain wealth in return. It's just not what I'm looking for. I want to live my life peacefully without anyone telling me what I should and shouldn't do. I want to carve my own path and not someone else telling me to. Yes people would go to great lengths just to obtain this luxury but I wouldn't. It's better for me to live a short happy life than to live a long painful one. 

I see so many of my friends going through this phase of life and only realising the dreams of others and not their own. They're living in the shadows of others, blaming themselves for the mistakes they've made after that. I know that good education will bring you amendments to your life but if it also brings you misery then I really think you should stop from enduring this suffering. I'm telling this to myself for I have spent 18 years being taught to achieve what I want but never to do things that can please me.

Sensing the pleasure of life really gives you peace at mind and serenity at heart. I want that. I want to be happy and not engrossing myself in this wild mind set that I need to gain money to be happy. No I don't want that. I want life as it is to me and relying solely on god for this. I believe in becoming successful but I don't believe doing the things that you despise of doing will get you to the path you want to. It'll only make you suffer even more. 

Late night confession

This is more like a midnight confession rather than a normal mundane-looking blogging session. Truth be told, since I got back home, my feelings have been churning inside of me like a ship wreck. Everything seems so not normal these days and I constantly experience drastic emotional changes that I wish to never ever haunt or even pester my mind again. I feel gloomy for no good reason at all. And for a second there, I start to feel all angry and emotional. Am I suffering from a mental disorder? Okay, I hope not and I just don't want that to be in the list of plausible answers later on.

Currently, I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster which makes my feeling all topsy-turvy. Sometimes, I feel happy and the next thing I just feel all gloomy and oppressed. Actually, there have been so many things going on lately with my life that it maybe sometimes strikes me in the head that I'm just too blind to realise it. Though I might be smiling from the outside but my inner thoughts are scarred with these long past bad memories. It needs healing and I've been ignoring it for such a long time now.

One of the best ways of curing this type of ailment-heart issues, is to concede your feelings to whom you believe is the closest to you. As to me, God has always been my one and only best friend. I know I won't get any clear reply from Him but I know he's listening attentively to me without judging me ever so quickly. He'll help me if He thought that I'm sincere enough which makes it even more valuable. I might not be the ideal figure to Him but I'm trying my best to portray myself as a good follower to Him with the hope of my problems fading away.

I usually have this recurring issue after spending much time wandering my mind off somewhere that these past bad memories just came back in a whole bundle, just to haunt me back with its perplexing problems. Sometimes, I would just sink in into those problems and drown myself without even realising it. I know I need somekind of disclosure with someone but as I said, no one else can do this job better than Him. My only hope is for Him to help me and give me strength for which can help me to face my arduous life ahead. I think this is more than enough to help me reconcile with my own inner thoughts that it'll subside the pain a bit. :)

Semester break, PSPM 1

Howdy guys. I know I have not been paying much attention to this crappy blog of mine and to even sprucing up a bit to make it more readable but I know for now I don't have much time to do so. I'll try to do better next time. But before that, let me start off by saying that I have finally finished my semester exam and it's now my sem break. All is freaking awesome with this world again. Not to mention countless hours of sleeps and entertainment that I can experience here in my own home. I'm happy to tell you that I've finished my exam two days ago and though it was a nerve wrecking week for me but nothing beats having friends coming over and hoping to hop in as well while you're studying. Learning together and chatting things that none of which would come up if exam wasn't even near.

I know I've mentioned abt finals a couple of time and yes my sole intention of writing here in the first place is to briefly describe to you the horror of my exam week, putting aside the part where I mentioned about friends earlier. So the weekend started of with english as the opening to the whole week of creepiness and crapiness. I would describe as nothing more as an exercise to me because I know that english at that time wasn't as important as other subjects. So I answered it with patience and effort but I'm not too worried of the outcome later on. And yeah I forgot to mention that I had a muet test a few days before the exam and it was speaking test. It was awesome and that was the first time that I felt quite satisfied with my performance. So yeah I'll elaborate on that in the next post.

Okay, so on the evening I had my maths paper 1 exam and how do I describe it? Well, it was excruciatingly mind-pestering. I had to brainstorm for about 15 minutes just for a question and sometimes though I'd tried to find the answers or even the idea of solving it, I failed. I did leave a few questions unanswered and that was the first time I did that for a very important occasion like this one. I used to have at least a tinge of idea of what to do and that I used to patch the empty spaces in my paper but this time I just left it blank, answerless. stupid of me right? And what's more worrying is that I'm not confident with the answers that I gave. I felt that though I did solve it but my answers could be just blatantly wrong maybe due to my carelessness of writing or scheming the questions that I understood wrongly.

So after that was the two days off for a more time to study or revise on other chapters for other subjects. I wasted it by sleeping and procrastinating. How dumb was I to do that when such a very important exam taking place. Fu** my laziness. (sorry for the harsh word)

Then it was exam time all over again. The day started off with paper 2 for maths and ended by english paper 2. Maths was again not a friend to me. It drained my thoughts to the very bottom of my head that I felt like suffocating and I can no longer think properly. I hated this feeling so much. The feeling of not accomplishing the best result. English though it wasn't as important but I did it like it was point that could affect my pointers.

So the next day, was physics. You know what, I love physics so much. I love memorising those tough long formulas and understanding concepts that I never knew exist. But,,, and yes there's a but... the exam yet again managed to make my eyes swell a bit. It made teary because I can't answer most of the questions. And I even created my own answers. and not to mention the feeling of writing something ambiguous that the examiner my not take it as a correct answer. Oh dear god, I'm in a hell lot of trouble. So the evening was physics paper 1. 30 questions altogether and I need to finish it in an hour. So then I thought, 30 questions, this must be easy and must have more than enough time to sleep after that. Oh god, Ive never been so wrong in my entirely life. Though an hour was allocated, I still hadn't finished answering it and I managed to scribble obliviously a few answers on my objective paper.

The next day was bio. This time it was like heaven to me. You know why? Because I answered it with sheer understanding and confidence. I had no worries or doubts while answering it. for both papers. Well, I did spend a lot of time reading bio and leaving other subjects unintended. Maybe that's why I find so hard for the other subjects. So finally the exam week was ended with chemistry as the closing. Truth be told, I always did love and master this subject that I take no effort of revising the day before the exam. And look at me, chemistry was freaking hard for me. Shit! Hated the time where I realised that I answered question number 1 wrongly and let alone for the other questions.. Man, Im so screwed that I don't know how my result will soon turn out.

The best prayers for me yes mate! Please dear god give me excellent result for this exam. Im counting on my carry marks to help me and that the examiner wouldn't pay much attention to the fault that I made. :,(

Just something for the mind

Let's just cut to the chase. Less than 2 weeks now, I'm going to sit for a very important exam. It's what us matriculation students call as PSPM 1. Am I ready yet, you ask? The answer would definitely be, no! Why you ask? Okay, let's be serious, how can someone cope with that awful lot of reading? I am for sure I'm not in the list of those people who would keep on reading no matter how sleepy they are, because to me it would be wasting my time doing something knowing that it will not result in what I would expect it to be. Please, people don't ever take the sentence before this as an advice. I'm just implying of how not determined am I to keep on straining my eyes on those heavy, thick, awfully written notes, I keep.

Yes, I know that the time is ticking but what antidote that I need to consume so that I can just put my laziness aside and just propel myself with that 'jetpack' to keep me on the right track. I'm really not in the mood of saying this but I have to admit, getting a lot of attention from my friends back in matriculation can be a poison to the mind. It makes myself feel too complacent with my current situation that I put no effort to keep on working harder. In fact, I'm deteriorating in terms of my determination. People are always telling me that I'm smart though I really doubt that, that it makes me feel too proud sometimes. But I try as hard as I can to keep my ego down to a minimum.

Well guys, as much as my friends tried to convince me that I am smart, I still have doubts that I can keep on emitting excellence in my studies. The truth is success can not be obtain if you don't work for it. And there is no such thing as pure geniuses. How can someone be knowledgeable if they don't gain knowledge and how can someone keep performing if they don't work their asses off for it. That's why I believe that never be discouraged if your result don't portray what you always wanted. You just need to work on it more and never loose hope. with that I bid sayonara to everyone!

Life as a Matriculation Student

For those who didn't know I am now officially a matriculation student. Well, no drum rolls for that because I don't think it's that shocking considering how I was in dire need of attention that I posted every single sadness and my oppression in this little blog of mine.

Actually, I hadn't seen the big picture before I entered matriculation that I thought it was the end of the world for me and that I had nothing else but to be discouraged and to lose hope but now everything finally changed drastically! I found out that it is much easier to start all over again than to continue on doing what you have difficulty in doing. It's like I'm learning SPM all over again but much more conceptual and theoretical. I had an awesome time. I got to meet new friends and create a new identity for myself and I can let all of the heartaches that I had before go and start anew with a brand new life's journal. No longer had I felt disappointed with myself but to amend what is current with myself.

I know that life is not always what you wanted but life always knows what's best for you. I had someone telling me before a story, that a mother will never let her son play with a knife even though how much her son insisted that he wants to play. She will always protect her child from any injuries especially ones that can be fatal. But the mother will try to make her son happy by giving him something else to play with- a toy. It applies here how life works. God loves us and that sometimes we act like that son, oblivious to the danger and only desire what we thought it's the best for us but in reality it might be the worst thing for us so God compensate the things that we didn't get with something much better.

There, I had a lot of fun laughing with my friends that I forgot all the sadness that used to revolve around me every single day. Each and every second me being there was a delight and my studies become into prominence when I managed to score in my previous trial UPS. but I took it nothing else but just as an exercise to further meliorate what I have already understood and fill in the loop holes that I have with my current understanding. But I must say, Biology for matriculation is quite tough because I still can't paint any picture in my mind of what kind of questions that they might give us. Other than that, everything seems fine so far and I hope that it'll continue on to be that way but who knows, if I start to procrastinate everything would just turned topsy-turvy again.

Well guys, I think that's all for now. I wish you all the best with your future undertakings and I wish all the muslims Happy Eid Fitr and may this year be a triumphant victory in what ever we do. Amin. :)

Ideas

Currently in a state of happiness and joy. I downloaded a few reference books that might be handy when I'm in matriculation and I now understood why it is so hard to comprehend a certain topic in those books. Not because it's a lot to digest and it's not about how the sentences are narrated. The usage of words well to be honest, there are words that are not discernible but still dictionaries are always my best friend. So no harm in that. It's just now we're learning everything that is a theory, some are not proven to be in fact correct and it's just theory that we need to uphold for a moment while there's other proven theory being introduced. That's why these reference books are constantly renewed.

For me, I find it so hard to grasp a certain concept because it is not explained well. Because we are almost at the level where the things we learned are almost coming to an end and that we have to understand because it correlates to other chapters in our learning. It's very sophisticated of how those scientists could come up with those other relatively interesting ideas. Sometimes, I can't seem to understand the things I read and there are these black holes in my mind everytime I start to read which are in a hunger of a plausible explanation.

Sometimes you go to the lecturer and start asking those question, most of them would give us very obscured understanding because sometimes it came out as their sole opinions and not from the written reference. I don't blame them because there's no scientist who can prove to the existence of those ideas yet. Well, the fun thing about it is that, you know that you can still win a noble prize because there are still holes that you can fill in. To make it more understandable. Or introduce to the world a new way of looking to a certain problem. Capturing ideas no other people in the world would think of doing. These are the tangible benefits I find, what  makes me happy and very rejoiced. I know that I can still contribute because sometimes the world needs that. That one contribution that no one else can give.

There's a lot of theories and stories and explanations but no sheer facts are put into it. Sometimes the only thing that they can say that it's the law of nature and that it can not be put in a different manner. Most of the times, I see this as a flaw that needs fixing. It needs someone out there in the world to minimise the perceivable flaw and transform it into the finest theory there is. Well, when Albert Einstein introduced the theory of relativity it was merely a theory, an understanding which was contrived from his own opinion and can still be repudiated with other understanding or be made perfect with more substantiated explanations.

Even Stephen Hawking a very prominent physicist challenged the idea of going back into the past. In his article, it was written of how the idea of going back into time is quite impossible. The orthodox of it is that when the person who is from the present time would go back several years before, let's say 10 years in the past and suddenly buys a gun and shot his younger self, how can the older self still survive all this while? If time is like a straight path that it would be impossible to cross each other, how can that even happen? It's like  the present shouldn't have exist for that person because he died 10 years before.

So this ideas or in other words theories are always in need of fixing and that's why it so important for us to challenge certain norm, or status quo. We can't just keep on believing something that is right when it's actually not. We need not to succumb to our thoughts that we are incapable of doing it. It's possible if you just tell it to yourself that it's not impossible. It's the fact not somekind of notion that we believe that people often belittle themselves because there are people who are better than them. But that's the truth they are better than you, so what? You can be better than them to, it just needs some kind of twitching here and there and you're good to go.

Self reminder

I know with all the negativity that is potrayed in this blog, most of you would feel there's no use to reading this type of nonsense. But who cares? I don't.

Well, today I'm feeling a little bit sad. I resent this feeling. I had something pestering my mind and I know what it was but I don't feel like disclosing it. It has something to do with personal issues specifically to how I feel. Have you ever wanted to scream it out loud so that everybody can hear and listen to you? Yeah, that's me but I don't have the guts. I can't even tell it to myself. I'm just ignorant and can't seem to concede to the fact that life is not always what it seems. Sometimes you feel happy about yourself and most of the times, you don't.

Just so you know, I stop hoping since months ago. I know hopes they tend to transform into dreams. And dreams make you feel that it is possible to come true. That's the most dangerous thing about it when you know that it might come true and suddenly it won't, you would just feel like everything is not what you see, feel and touch, smell and most importantly hear. Your desire to stay on track has come to an end and you don't know what to do anymore. Despite how determine I am to stay on my feet, honestly I can't.

People say they can stay positive after something awful happened to them and I can't seem to take hold of that. The idea to stay strong though you know that in reality everything is not what you intended it to be, just irked me. I feel deceived. And I can't keep on telling myself all of these lies. I can't tell myself that everything's going to be alright when it's not.

I need to be honest and just go straight to the mirror and knock some senses into my own head that I'm not what I hoped that I would be. I'm not even close to being what I had in my mind. It's just the figment of my awfully creative imagination. I don't know why people tend to believe that I'm that strong. I'm not people! I'm just not. I know this might sound so stupid but I can't rely on my thoughts that everything's going to be fine as it was before. No it's not. It's not going to be okay unless there's some tangible effort you're putting into it. And right now the only thing I can see is that how I love to lay back and procrastinate. That's not the sign of success. That's a weakness that I need to tackle on. An issue that has been long suffocating me and my thoughts.

Now the wrath that it brings clouds every detail, every judgement, every single idea I had in mind. It's all gone because I'm too busy slacking off. Husain. Husaini. Husen! Or what ever name you call yourself, please stop nagging on tiny details and just see the big picture. Yeah everything's ruined. You have finally realised that but just move on dude. Life is not about success, it's about how you curb those failure and turn it into one of your best success. Life is all about truth, honesty and reality. Life is negativity but you just to need put some effort so that it can be thought positively. So dude, man you're just stupid now but it's okay you can be dumb-looking but just don't quit.

You failed so what's so harsh about it? Just move on. No one cares how hapless you are. Just think of this as another of your sad moments and what kind of self-biography would it be if it doesn't have any downfalls. It's life dude so it's normal to have those moments where you feel that everything's not alright. And it is not alright, it's reality. Stop sulking and be honest to yourself.

My life...

If you were to see me two months ago and ask me what I would want to do in the future I would happily lay out to you my plans coherently but now everything's obscured, my future is cloudy and every single plan that I had before is ruined. I used to have a clear mind of what I would want to do in the future but now, all that I could think of is what I should do to salvage the downfall of my life. I have nothing now, only matriculation to hold on to. My mind is too wicked by the fact that my goal is now falling down into the drain and there's nothing viable that I could do to gain what I had lost.

I've been in the matriculation for a whole week and there's nothing good that I can say except for the friends that I managed to make. They're the ones who are keeping me there, still in the need to reaching my goal. But what goal? I know I want to succeed but what? I know I want to go abroad, study there, spend a quarter of my life, embarking to an inevitable abyss of possibilities. I know one way of doing that but I'll come back, serving for the government, working as a lecturer for the whole 7 years of my life. Am I up for it? I know I want to succeed and study abroad but would I want to risk everything just to know that I'll come back as a lecturer?

It has always been my dream to become a lecturer, enlightening other people with the knowledge that I have. But would that be enough to satisfy my desire, my goal, my very dream? If only god grants me what I desire most in life but that's a question I shouldn't dare to ask. I know god knows what's best for me and I should embrace it and not to question it. But I'm just to sad. I'm sad but I can't cry, I don't even know how to express it. I know that there's a lump in my throat just waiting to explode but I can't. There's something holding me back but I don't know what.

There's too much going on with my life and I can't simply digest all of that. I need some time to recover and set a new goal. I need some time to contemplate, to ponder on what I should do next. Had everything gone according to plan, I wouldn't have to put so much effort in carving a new goal in my brain. I should have done something, but it's too late. There's nothing that I can do now but to wait and seize any opportunity coming towards me. But I doubt that would happen in the near future. So I'm going to wait and bare some hope that it will sooner or later be presented in the greatest way to me.

I hope god sees prayers and grants me my wish that I would soon get what I want. I want MARA, in the course that I intended and at the place that I wish to pursue my studies. Degree in Actuarial Science, UK. Amin. :)

My disappointment

Assalamualaikum, and very good -trying to find a watch- morning,,,

Straight to the point, I'm going to start anew. This would be just an introduction to a very long hiatus. I'm not busy nor am I lazy. I don't really have any interesting tale to spill and most of which are not very scholarly -if that's what you are searching for- and not quite so informative. But just to make things clear, this post isn't going to change the fact that I am yes, going to post another mundane story of my life.

Let's just cut to the chase, for the past few months there has been a lot going on lately. First there was my SPM result. -should I write it here?- I got straight A's Alhamdulillah, Then there was this week where I had to fill all sorts of forms. And unfortunately, throughout the session, I filled half of the forms with my mother's wrong ID number. Then there's this part where I despised the most where almost all of my applications just got blatantly rejected. It had me thinking, what do they seek in their scholars actually? Ok let's be serious, what do they even get from looking at your forms?

Now I'm just pissed off. I mean every single day I had to cup my face fraught with disappointment knowing that after all I did none of my application got accepted. Even the ones which had minimum requirements that my aunt would fit in. *Sorry auntie. I just can't bare the thought that they had actually evaluated me from the very start even before having to see me in real life. I do understand that they must have had hard time choosing between the applications but I mean no bragging, my credentials surpass the minimal requirements and yet I still got rejected.

Honestly, I did fill out quite a few number of forms. I think it's about 8 or 7 forms. And out of those 8 forms only 4 of them got accepted. And now I'm left with 3 because I did so poorly in the test assessment. Ok can I just exclude this 3 other ones. Now there were 4 scholarship which had rendered me dumbfounded. First one Bank Negara. Ok, this one I had no intention of elaborating because I know that I did fill in the wrong stupid information and my application wasn't strong and robust. Ok, the second one is Dana KCM or was it KMC. This one I was left hapless and speechless. I don't know what exact words to put it but I'm just purely disappointed. Next, Peneraju Tunas Potensi. I don't know what to add but I'm just so very disappointed. The last one is Yayasan Terengganu. This one I think I know what went wrong. The first time submitting it, my father had actually mixed it up with another wrong set of forms. So I think something must have got messed up during the selection that my form just got lost in the processing.

I mean there must be some kind of solid explanation as to why it has to be so harshly done. Just look at me for example. I had to wait for weeks and weeks clicking the refresh button on my email just to know whether my application really got accepted or not. And the harshest thing about it is that there's no notification which would notify whether my applications got rejected. I would keep on checking though there might be a slim chance that I just got rejected. They could have just sent me that piece of email stating that my application wasn't successful or anything. They could have at least spared us from having to waste our time waiting for something which is uncertain.

Now I'm just sleepy. So bye! :)

A simple minor update.

There's a lot going lately but I'm too lazy to do any update to this blog. Mostly, the reason why I'm just too lazy because nothing has been going according to my plan. Nothing that I wanted went with my expectation so I'm slightly oppressed but most of them are disappointment. I'm going to skip about my SPM result and tell you guys once I've secured a placement in any of my applied scholarships.

Right now, I'm a bit busy organising and preparing myself for any upcoming interviews. A bit agitated at times but still controllable. Just to update more about what I have to go through for the past few days. I've been trying to improve my vocab of course and at the same time practice talking more in english with my friends so that in an interview I would not have much problem spilling what I have inside my mind. I've even texted more frequently in english and read a lot of english articles. Though these things I'm telling you has already been practiced but now I'm just intensifying the effort and putting more passion into it in order for me to absorb everything quickly and efficiently.

Though I find bilingual practices are quite tedious but the outcome would be satisfying. There's a saying which goes like this it's better than nothing because to master a language which is not practiced regularly is quite hard. So it's better to learn something through observation and gain tiny, tiny bits of knowledge to later practice it.

But still I find my proficiency in malay is deteriorating in terms of matured malay vocabs and the fluency in which I write. I might be able to talk in malay more fluently than english but my writings now sucks so badly. I'm sure that malay writers would just vomit on my written malay sentences because of its irritating and dull usage of words. LOL. But the problem is though my malay sucks but my written english sucks as badly as the way I write in malay. It's a fortunate that interviews are not conducted through writings or else I would just flunk in them. But there are certain scholarship which requires the applicants to write something so that they can evaluate on your language proficiency and assess your level of maturity which I find quite a problem to me.

I've been doing multiple tasks at a time and reading a lot of articles, blogs in order for me to epitomise the success they did and to learn from any of their mistakes.

Just wish me luck guys. Next month I'm going to update every single interviews that I went through and maybe I'm going to narrate it coherently so that you guys would understand it better. But I can't promised it because I might be busy doing something else so just let us wait and see ... :)

Chapter 5: The clueless

Chapter 5: The clueless

This time around I'm clueless. I don't know what to do and what to expect. You know why that I'm acting this way? On this thursday which is 4 days from now, my awaited result is finally out and I just can't wait to see the outcome of the effort in which I put in every single exam paper that I took.

I'm not trying to brag or to boast or any kind of that sort, but I can't make sense to why do I feel so calm. I did have some doubts with the result I'm getting but it doesn't make me nervous at all. I must say the times I felt nervous was months ago and that was the time I took the exam. I was so nervous that even after I finished taking the papers I still felt nervous and my heart just couldn't stop throbbing. But now, as time passed so ever gradually my mind is now at the state of acceptance and I have nothing to worry but to accept the outcome which may lie in front of me.

But, I might be lying that if I did not have the time where I would ponder and worry that the result might come out as one of my worst result but still at that time, my heart still didn't push my mind into thinking that I have to be nervous and I need to cease eating, sleeping and keep on worrying. I don't know whether this is a good omen or not but I'm hopping that I could smile as much as I want on that day knowing that I have achieve the result I have always wanted.

We'll see. :)

Chapter 3 : Am I ready for it?

Chapter 3 :: Am I ready for it?

So as you might know by now, I'm already in Terengganu. Well, tomorrow's going to be another big day. I have what you call as QTI- it's a pre driving test kind of thing but if I fail this I can't go no where near to even being tested by the real examiner. But what I heard and hopefully it's true, the examiner for this pre test driving is more lenient compared to the real examiner because what they're looking in the student is the ability to drive and they're not too strict at giving marks. But I have to say, being beside an examiner is quite nerve wrecking even so beside the real one not the pre test one. It would be really uncomfortable and I might make some errors without even noticing it.

The first open lecture they have which lasted 3 hours (this is compulsory to get your L licence), I was told that the real one would be so strict that you need to greet them before entering the car and if not, they'll ask you to go back outside and to ponder on what you did wrong. That's just so harsh for me. Just imagine, you are in your uniform tucked in and sweating and you have to rephrase every single step in your head so that you would not forget any of them, of course you would mix every single minor things which is quite frankly irrelevant in getting you're driving licence ready. Just think, what does greeting the examiner beforehand has got anything to do with passing the exam? Well, I do get it at some point actually. They just want to inculcate great manners in the students by telling them that but punishing them for those little little mistakes is really irrelevant. What I notice is that they're merely making fun of the students and not at all, teaching them any manners.

I really think that I'm just over reacting but you know, how people they can't control their nerves. Well, I am one of them. For the past competition I've been through, I had actually managed to control my nerves a little bit but as I had long left those moments behind that I'm now turning back into the person who flushes every time there are people watching you and stutters uncontrollably without stopping, knowing that you are the center of attention. That's just unbearable and I really have to find a way to cope with it. What I'm most worried is that the preparation I had before actually being tested. Am I ready?  I just have to tell myself now and tomorrow that I have nothing to be worried and the only thing that I have to focus on tomorrow is driving safely and coming back home with a big arch of smile on my face.

So wish me the best. Au Revoir!

.

Chapter 2 : The holiday

Chapter 2 :: The holiday

There are tons of things that I need to settle before going to selangor which was supposed to be my permanent stay there but because there are still unsettled business I need to go back and forth from Selangor to Terengganu. It was so tedious that my parents decided to stay in Terengganu for awhile and to put our needs aside and focus more on the unsettled stuffs. 

I am always this kind of person who doesn't always like to go out and have fun I'm more to indoor kind of guy, so to speak. But when I came home after I finished SPM, I thought that I would spend a lot of my precious time at home and would love doing it. But being at home secluded from the rest of the humans outside of my house that I realised of how lonely and desperately needed a friend, I am. I began to build some fondness of going out and just waiting for any one to call and invite me to any kind of event. Even if it's not an event, I would still go.

So, when my father asked me whether I want to go to selangor or not, I was jumbling up with joy and relief. There, I can have all the fun that I want. My sisters are near to me that I can simply ask for a ride and will end up in a place where goods are placed perfectly on shelves. My house is really placed in a strategic location where it is very easy for me to have fun. There, we have a cinema where I would gladly spend most of my time and around there, we also have karaoke which is on regular basis, I would sing all day long. On the spiritual side, we have mosque almost everywhere we go. When I sleep and it's almost dawn, azan would blare and wake me up from my sleep which is very refreshing. And if I require some medical attention, we have clinic 1Malaysia just around the nook of the factory buildings located near to where I live. Yes, I live beside factories but they're not those kind of factories which can cause harmful pollution. On the contrary, the factories around here are mostly for organic purposes like animal feed and wood carpentry.

What I love the most living there is the internet speed which is really beyond compare to any internet speed in Terengganu that is. Around Selangor the connection speed is 100 times faster than the speed in Terengganu. I downloaded so many movies that I don't know whether I would finish watching all of them. It was the time I decided that I would spend most of my time watching movies and relaxing besides being stressed out because I had nothing to do than watching movies. I had internet in Terengganu but it was the worst speed there is for Celcom which irks me so much that I almost decided to stop using Celcom. But my mind set changed when I came to Selangor where the speed is unimaginable. I can even watch youtube as much as I want without having to worry that it would buffer and become slower. Another good news, I also need not to be worried that it would become slow as soon as it reaches its bandwidth limit because the speed is too fast I supposed that it did not made any significant difference.

Going back to the very purpose of this chapter, my family then went to Selangor and it wasn't actually a trip or any kind of vacation as foretold but merely a decision made my father to permanently move there. Well, it was about to be permanent when I had other unsettle things in Terengganu that my father and I had to go back to Terengganu. When I was in Selangor, I met my sister who had finally given birth to a beaurtiful girl baby. There were this routine where my sister would go back and forth from her house to my parents' house and bring her children with her. She had to go back every time she came because two of children have to be sent to school every morning which is near to her house in Ampang. It made it quite difficult for her so she decided that when it's weekend, she would pay a visit to my parents' house.

This was the time I suddenly came up with an idea that I was actually going on a holiday because my second sister came back to Balakong from Kelantan because she had to settle some business there. I was so happy that my family was finally complete. I have my there elder sisters, my brother and both of my parents to accompany me there. We were so glad that we could gather and have a chit chat with each other. There was  a time that we bundle up all of the jokes that we have and tell them to each other. We were laughing so loud that I was positive that our neighbours could hear it.

That was how fun it was for me to go back to Selangor recently but what made me a bit sad was that I had to go back on the 14 of Feb because I had a dentist appointment. Well, I can't include any picture with this memory but the pictures imprinted into my mind are enough for me to dwell the wonderful times I had with my family in Selangor. Hoping that I could do that more often and see each other on a regular basis but of course each and everyone of us has our on life to commit to which made it harder for us to gather like that. I think this is all from me now.
Au revoir!

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Chapter 1 : The novel

Greetings earthlings! There are just tons and tons of story that I have and need to tell you. Most of them are just dull and boring but I find it very important to share it with everyone. So this is going to be the first part of my very very long update. I've been waiting the right time for me to update and just spill everything to you guys.

So continuing on with my first story of a very long period of hiatus.

Chapter 1 :: The novel

I can't remember when was the last time I wrote this but it has this very big impact towards my life. It all started when my sister came and introduced me to korean songs which were not the type of songs that I would hear. And the idea of having groups of people on a small stage vexes my eyes. But that was before I heard this very one song which had opened my eyes to the beautiful rendition that korean songs have. But it was this one song named Time To Love by T-ara which had managed to aroused my very interest towards korean songs. Thus, I would spend day and night listening to this song and one day I got an idea. 

We'll go back to that part but first I need to tell you the problems I had before I started out writing that very novel. So I was still a kid back then, 13 years old to be exact. Well, you know kids how they tend to have wildly imagination and can sometimes go out of hand and I was that type of kid. Always imagining things and had problems to differentiate the reality and somewhat the conjured imagination. So, I thought I was so good at English that I sometimes boasted at how good I am and can definitely write with great profoundness and well contrived idea. That was all in my head and not at all the truth of what I would describe myself of being over confident.

Now, this is where the above stories merge together. So, I was so determined to write that novel and just couldn't wait to let my friends read it that I forgot the essential part of writing a novel which is a good command in english. At that time, my language was a total wreck. I can't even write a whole sentence without making any grammar mistakes. My English was beyond repairable but at that time I was too confident that I could finish the novel that I kept on writing, excluding the fact that I was an awful writer. Well, this is where my sister came in and knock some realisation into my head. I gave her the privilege of being the first person to ever read the half way finished novel.

My sister wasn't that very good with words and concealing her feelings towards my awful presentation of a novel that she blatantly said that my novel sucks! This was my reaction towards her blistering remarks.

God... You don't say.

I took it as a challenge. So since that very day, I have been so determined to improve my language skills and I had done so many things to meliorate my usage of the language in my writings. So far I see descent results but I need an awful lot of practice before I can be satisfied with my language skills. 

Well, back to the story, I kept on writing ignoring the fact that my sister fairly disapproved my eagerness to write. Then, when I finished writing a few pages, I decided to read, making sure there wasn't any mistake and at that very moment, I realised that my language was excruciatingly awful. It took me several minutes to calm myself and realise that every single thing that my sister said was unfortunately true and very oppressing. And that I had to put my passion on hold and had to find some ways to improve my language. So it took me several years before I have the guts to continue on writing.

And that has brought us to this present day when I was happily rummaging through my old files in the computer. I then, found this file or in other words the novel that I was supposed to finish ages ago. Therefore, I decided to continue one writing what I have left hanging for awhile. But maybe because I was to excited that I just involuntarily texted a friend of mine and gave her the honour of being the first person to ever read my novel. But at that time, I did not realise of how crappy and childish was my writing. I had to rewrite everything from scratch. This story actually continues to my second part of a new chapter that I would lovely name it the external but that chapter is not ready to be published yet. So next time I'll write my next chapter, chapter 2 : the holiday.

Going back to this, I have to push myself into finishing this novel because I have risen one of friends hope high. At least she was eager enough to read it after I had told her every part to the novel that I'm writing. She is Umi and I really want to give her the chance to read my novel. But the first person that I texted was actually Ara, and I also want her to read it but there was a problem occurred during my writing and that I will later elaborate it in the other chapters of this blog. So till then good luck.

Au revoir!

Career conflict

I'm now having a second thought about pursuing my studies in AS because there are just so many things at stake. I need to consider yet again the professional exams that I need to take and risk everything if I don't pass. The time management itself is just completely absurd! The discipline is already hard for the undergraduates and they have to face the same challenges when they have graduated. I don't know whether I am up for this.

It is so difficult because deciding that one proffesion that you will never ever regret taking is somewhat hard for a person like me. I look at this as something that I really can't make up my mind by my own insight but I need other recommendation and advises by those people who have long known the predicament that this alluring job gives. Many people are tempted to pursue their studies in AS because they think that they can get high paid salary. It is true but only if you passed all of those exams which is very very hard and need to be tested multiple times before getting the green light to become a professional actuary.

Recently, the blogs have really opened my eyes to the problems I might face if AS were to be one of my options. But the real problem is that the subjects this course provides. I can't imagine myself sitting in front of the lecturer being engrossed by what to me will be something very much boring and dull and I just hate something related to economics. I remember being exposed to the subject and my first impression was really really not something for a student like me be doing if this were to be my own choice of study. It wasn't my intention to hate the subject but I thought it was not something that I can cope with in the future.

Okay, so what do I really like? Honestly, I like brain storming, researching, reading science related subjects and looking at the theories made by the prolific scientists. I yearn something which involves scientific research and studying with sheer scrutiny. I too love teaching people because it has always been my passion to share what I think and even become a professor. I would pretty much love to be a professor. But I don't know what course to embark?

My parents are very against with the idea of me pursuing engineering because of some personal family reasons. I too can't see myself being trapped into that kind of situation supervising a road construction and standing under the scorching sun until I see my skin darkened. I love being in laboratory or in an office in front of a computer, eagerly pressing the keyboard. Being a boss and instructing people have always been my dream and eve if it seems cruel but I just love making projects and managing the whole idea and making it a one realisation.

I took some career path tests and still I am clueless of what I shall choose. I see no end to this never-ending problem. I thought I was firmed with my first decision but when I kept on researching, my mindset deviated from passion to none. Right now, I just can't imagine myself being an actuary. I want something that I wouldn't regret doing and I really need to make up my mind soon or else I will end up seeing my future ruined. That would be a nightmare for me!

Au revoir!

Beauty

I observe and scrutinize people at a very close watch and it occurred to me of how do I or any one else can differentiate of those with gorgeous physiques and those who don't. How can we note that a person as being good looking? Or how can we be attracted to our partners? It must have been born with us or else we will not be able to rate people at their beauty. 

I question at how we observe and response to it. Is it likely we response to the beauty of something like we sense the hotness and the coldness of a substance through our embedded receptors deep beneath our skins? I kindly look at this something immeasurable because we can't touch or feel beauty as it is an abstract and intangible. We are taught to only praise those who is with beauty and of good looking. 

It must have been in our blood or more specifically in our genetics to look at something and give remarks to it. Does it have something to do with our hormones and the induced urge or feeling of being awed by the sheer beauty of someone? It is really inexplicable because I am now speaking through what I observed and not through of any detailed research nor the surfed website to find the accurate resources. I am very sure we trained ourselves to look at something and ingrained ourselves with the specific adjectives to it. 

It puzzles me sometimes as to why we are attracted to beauty. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If the person views his partner being enchantingly beautiful, we do not necessary need to have the mutual feelings towards the latter. I look at beauty as something that has this fixed value that we perceive. The golden ratio has been identified as one of the ways of measuring people at their beauty. Angelina Jolie being one of the highest marks proves how beauty must have some correlation to how we perceive the structure and the symmetrical of someone's face. 

Having the exact ratio does not mean you are beautiful but it only proves of how perfect your face is. It is said that whose face has the exact measurement to the golden ratio will have the most perfect face there is in this world. But I see beauty as something indefinite but measurable that it is out of our reach of explaination to measure beauty and it is up to the eyes of the beholder to judge and give comments. I really want to study more about these kind of things and hopefully can even publish a book pertaining to this topic. I will definitely do a research on this.

Gave Another Go at Driving Lessons

Right this second, I have done a whole 6 hours of tiring and nerve wrecking driving lessons. I see no clear melioration towards my driving skills but I am making less mistakes than before. At least, it wasn't as bad as the second time I drove a car where I bumped onto poles, the car stuck on the road and almost rammed into another innocent car. You can't imagine the looks on my instructors'  faces when they saw me did that, with a grin on their jaws, hand pressing hard on their laps and the most scariest, meanest stare I have ever seen.

Just imagine being under an instructor whose face is seriously intimidating and a deep voice just waiting to explode when I make some silly unforgivable mistakes for a driver of hours of driving like me. Yesterday was a lucky day when it was my first time getting taught by a woman and she was very nice at giving advices along side with her knack at teaching people, it made my driving lesson went smoothly where there was not much mistakes that I made except for when I almost yet again hit a pole. She left me to drive alone in the car to go about with my own driving, going around the track making sure I turn at every curve smoothly and safely. 

It was not my first time being in a car alone. I remember toppling a couple of poles before the instructor rushed back in into the car and gave me a one by one step of what I should and should not do when I park and that was my first time driving by myself. Continuing with my awful driving I went onto the road which was with less mistakes along the way and I made it clear that I was not going to give up and be more cautious when it comes to advancing to the next step. One of the instructors said that I wasn't that bad at driving I was just too nervous and doesn't have patience when controlling the gear and clutch.

Tomorrow is going to be the day where I no longer make any mistake and get praised for the keenness of my driving skills. okay, I'm being too exaggerated. But it seems finally I get all things straight and face the instructor and tell him the truth at how bad I am at driving in order for them to give me more detailed advises and not something that even I cannot apprehend. That's all I want to say and wish me the best for tomorrow. 

Au revoir!

Acturial Science

I am now having a career conflict. I am still not firmed with my decision. It has always been one of my dreams to be a successful actuary. But after some reading and probing the websites posted in the internet pertaining to being an actuary, I am conflicted to whether I should go with it or try to opt to something else. There are just so many remarks about being an actuary and some of them are changing my mindset of what actuary is. Am I up for it?

Graduated from a university doesn't mean you are a qualified actuary instead you are merely a graduate from that field and are required to undergo several rigorous professional exams and passing them are one of the prerequisites of a qualified actuary in any of the companies present. Other than that, you have to have experiences being an actuary before being hired to work in a company but I felt it a bit of a weird qualification of an actuary because you have to work to gain experience even for a beginner and if they don't accept beginners well I guess actuary are not work-oriented. 

Those professionals exams are not as something that you can pass only by one examination but you have to do it for several times before you can succeed. Many have failed before passing them. Most of them find it irritating but due to the fact that this was their choice of a job, there is nothing more that they can do. This is what they expressed in most of the post I read. Sounded a bit uncertain, I did some check and balance and I am still torn between two. I will not proceed to the next step in my life without a clue of what I should be. It will be risking every thing for nothing. 

Let us look at the pros and cons of being an actuary. 

1. Actuaries are paid well, and can earn money as much as those occupants who have worked up to 10 or 15 years for their first-pay. 

2. The working environment of an actuary is well-organised and perfect for those who are seeking a job whose work is in an office. 

3. The job is firmed and it provides you concrete job where you don't have to worry of shouldering the responsibilities of needing money to support your family.

4. Wide range of job opportunities.

5. It meets to my requirement of having a job simply because it is math-oriented.

6. Involves risk management and most of all you can work at a bank.

7. High chance of going overseas furthering studies at a renown universities.

Those were the advantages. And now the disadvantages.

1. Professional Exams, - Very hard, time consuming, quite costing because you need to pay for the exams-most of them have to retake the exams for several times before passing them. Just imagine how much they need to pay.

2. Yes, they are math oriented but most of the hard papers are all writings and you need to be good at it before passing. If not, the only thing you can see is a failure to this job.

3. The course of learning is extremely hard and I read one of the posts stating that the percentage of students who stopped hall-ways are quite high. (I don't want to do that!)

4. Most of them are reading subjects and you have to memorize them. (I'm okay about memorising but if it only involves the subjects I love-Biology, and Sciences. I don't mind memorising these at all.) Most of the things which are required to be memorised are finances, insurance and history which I hated the most.

5. Unless you passed all of the exams, the job opportunities are way limited.

6. In Malaysia, not many of the actuaries present which proves to show how tough it is to pass the exams. 

Looking above make me listless to its tough requirements. I really hope that I can make my mind before it is too late. I need to look for many more resources and ask many of my friends about this job. If it is going to be something I am pleased to be working for, and dedicated my life to for eternity. I can't make the wrong decision or else I am never going to succeed at what I am doing. 

Au revoir!

..............

BEST FRIEND

I wonder how does it feel to have a best friend. Someone you could talk to any kind of topic without that person feeling irritated and at the same time, depend on to, depicting the earnest understanding towards the problem I have. Who is my best friend? I don't know. Every time, I pondered and contemplated, I felt sad and hurt. I don't know to whom I shall talk to. To whom I can share all of deepest scariest secrets to. To whom I can rely on when I have problems that I can never cope alone.

I hate it when every time I looked into the mirror and saw myself alone, without having any one behind me who can lend me a hand when I need a help, someone who is close enough to understand me and supportive when it comes to lessening the sadness I feel.

I sleep listlessly every night knowing how I'm not capable of undergoing the hardship alone. I felt sad. I see many of my comrades are having the most wonderful time of their life because they know when each time they felt sad and helpless, they can always go and see each other, share the stories they have and possibly look into each other's eyes and say, it's all going to be okay. I'm pleading to god so that one day, I can have a friend like this. 

For now, I am alone.

2013

Apparently, tomorrow marks a new year in my life. I bet most of us would have new resolutions that we wish to fulfill being attached to them as though they are promises that we are obliged to. 

For me, I intend not to have any new resolutions in life. I want the year 2013 to be a start for a new life, acquiring much knowledge in me through my senses regarding the world and mostly get a deeper view on myself. I want nothing but to know myself better. It it no ridicule in what I intend but merely to know what will suit me best in life. Is it enough for me to live alone by myself? Or am I in dire need of support knowing how I can be too attached with the people around me. 

Those are the questions I need to answer in order for me to know myself better. Am I firmed enough to make decisions? Can I triumph after failing so many times? I need to put myself in those situations for me to get the required answers and to fill in the loopholes in my life with hopes of bringing myself up, away from any problems which is hardly enough for me to even devote myself to them. Not getting my hopes too high but staying away from problems are already a problem for me. This is an utterly serious matter that I need to promise myself try avoiding making nemesis and try to find descent friends instead.

This year has had its impact and influence towards my life. I will never ever forget what happened to me throughout this year and may they be references for me to pin point the righteous acts acceptable enough for me and for the people around me. 

I have hopes but they depend on what has been written in my book of life. This what we call as destiny. I am powerless to change them but I can always for my betterment. So insyaAllah 2013 I will receive a very very good news. 9A+ Amin.