Ideas

Currently in a state of happiness and joy. I downloaded a few reference books that might be handy when I'm in matriculation and I now understood why it is so hard to comprehend a certain topic in those books. Not because it's a lot to digest and it's not about how the sentences are narrated. The usage of words well to be honest, there are words that are not discernible but still dictionaries are always my best friend. So no harm in that. It's just now we're learning everything that is a theory, some are not proven to be in fact correct and it's just theory that we need to uphold for a moment while there's other proven theory being introduced. That's why these reference books are constantly renewed.

For me, I find it so hard to grasp a certain concept because it is not explained well. Because we are almost at the level where the things we learned are almost coming to an end and that we have to understand because it correlates to other chapters in our learning. It's very sophisticated of how those scientists could come up with those other relatively interesting ideas. Sometimes, I can't seem to understand the things I read and there are these black holes in my mind everytime I start to read which are in a hunger of a plausible explanation.

Sometimes you go to the lecturer and start asking those question, most of them would give us very obscured understanding because sometimes it came out as their sole opinions and not from the written reference. I don't blame them because there's no scientist who can prove to the existence of those ideas yet. Well, the fun thing about it is that, you know that you can still win a noble prize because there are still holes that you can fill in. To make it more understandable. Or introduce to the world a new way of looking to a certain problem. Capturing ideas no other people in the world would think of doing. These are the tangible benefits I find, what  makes me happy and very rejoiced. I know that I can still contribute because sometimes the world needs that. That one contribution that no one else can give.

There's a lot of theories and stories and explanations but no sheer facts are put into it. Sometimes the only thing that they can say that it's the law of nature and that it can not be put in a different manner. Most of the times, I see this as a flaw that needs fixing. It needs someone out there in the world to minimise the perceivable flaw and transform it into the finest theory there is. Well, when Albert Einstein introduced the theory of relativity it was merely a theory, an understanding which was contrived from his own opinion and can still be repudiated with other understanding or be made perfect with more substantiated explanations.

Even Stephen Hawking a very prominent physicist challenged the idea of going back into the past. In his article, it was written of how the idea of going back into time is quite impossible. The orthodox of it is that when the person who is from the present time would go back several years before, let's say 10 years in the past and suddenly buys a gun and shot his younger self, how can the older self still survive all this while? If time is like a straight path that it would be impossible to cross each other, how can that even happen? It's like  the present shouldn't have exist for that person because he died 10 years before.

So this ideas or in other words theories are always in need of fixing and that's why it so important for us to challenge certain norm, or status quo. We can't just keep on believing something that is right when it's actually not. We need not to succumb to our thoughts that we are incapable of doing it. It's possible if you just tell it to yourself that it's not impossible. It's the fact not somekind of notion that we believe that people often belittle themselves because there are people who are better than them. But that's the truth they are better than you, so what? You can be better than them to, it just needs some kind of twitching here and there and you're good to go.

Self reminder

I know with all the negativity that is potrayed in this blog, most of you would feel there's no use to reading this type of nonsense. But who cares? I don't.

Well, today I'm feeling a little bit sad. I resent this feeling. I had something pestering my mind and I know what it was but I don't feel like disclosing it. It has something to do with personal issues specifically to how I feel. Have you ever wanted to scream it out loud so that everybody can hear and listen to you? Yeah, that's me but I don't have the guts. I can't even tell it to myself. I'm just ignorant and can't seem to concede to the fact that life is not always what it seems. Sometimes you feel happy about yourself and most of the times, you don't.

Just so you know, I stop hoping since months ago. I know hopes they tend to transform into dreams. And dreams make you feel that it is possible to come true. That's the most dangerous thing about it when you know that it might come true and suddenly it won't, you would just feel like everything is not what you see, feel and touch, smell and most importantly hear. Your desire to stay on track has come to an end and you don't know what to do anymore. Despite how determine I am to stay on my feet, honestly I can't.

People say they can stay positive after something awful happened to them and I can't seem to take hold of that. The idea to stay strong though you know that in reality everything is not what you intended it to be, just irked me. I feel deceived. And I can't keep on telling myself all of these lies. I can't tell myself that everything's going to be alright when it's not.

I need to be honest and just go straight to the mirror and knock some senses into my own head that I'm not what I hoped that I would be. I'm not even close to being what I had in my mind. It's just the figment of my awfully creative imagination. I don't know why people tend to believe that I'm that strong. I'm not people! I'm just not. I know this might sound so stupid but I can't rely on my thoughts that everything's going to be fine as it was before. No it's not. It's not going to be okay unless there's some tangible effort you're putting into it. And right now the only thing I can see is that how I love to lay back and procrastinate. That's not the sign of success. That's a weakness that I need to tackle on. An issue that has been long suffocating me and my thoughts.

Now the wrath that it brings clouds every detail, every judgement, every single idea I had in mind. It's all gone because I'm too busy slacking off. Husain. Husaini. Husen! Or what ever name you call yourself, please stop nagging on tiny details and just see the big picture. Yeah everything's ruined. You have finally realised that but just move on dude. Life is not about success, it's about how you curb those failure and turn it into one of your best success. Life is all about truth, honesty and reality. Life is negativity but you just to need put some effort so that it can be thought positively. So dude, man you're just stupid now but it's okay you can be dumb-looking but just don't quit.

You failed so what's so harsh about it? Just move on. No one cares how hapless you are. Just think of this as another of your sad moments and what kind of self-biography would it be if it doesn't have any downfalls. It's life dude so it's normal to have those moments where you feel that everything's not alright. And it is not alright, it's reality. Stop sulking and be honest to yourself.

My life...

If you were to see me two months ago and ask me what I would want to do in the future I would happily lay out to you my plans coherently but now everything's obscured, my future is cloudy and every single plan that I had before is ruined. I used to have a clear mind of what I would want to do in the future but now, all that I could think of is what I should do to salvage the downfall of my life. I have nothing now, only matriculation to hold on to. My mind is too wicked by the fact that my goal is now falling down into the drain and there's nothing viable that I could do to gain what I had lost.

I've been in the matriculation for a whole week and there's nothing good that I can say except for the friends that I managed to make. They're the ones who are keeping me there, still in the need to reaching my goal. But what goal? I know I want to succeed but what? I know I want to go abroad, study there, spend a quarter of my life, embarking to an inevitable abyss of possibilities. I know one way of doing that but I'll come back, serving for the government, working as a lecturer for the whole 7 years of my life. Am I up for it? I know I want to succeed and study abroad but would I want to risk everything just to know that I'll come back as a lecturer?

It has always been my dream to become a lecturer, enlightening other people with the knowledge that I have. But would that be enough to satisfy my desire, my goal, my very dream? If only god grants me what I desire most in life but that's a question I shouldn't dare to ask. I know god knows what's best for me and I should embrace it and not to question it. But I'm just to sad. I'm sad but I can't cry, I don't even know how to express it. I know that there's a lump in my throat just waiting to explode but I can't. There's something holding me back but I don't know what.

There's too much going on with my life and I can't simply digest all of that. I need some time to recover and set a new goal. I need some time to contemplate, to ponder on what I should do next. Had everything gone according to plan, I wouldn't have to put so much effort in carving a new goal in my brain. I should have done something, but it's too late. There's nothing that I can do now but to wait and seize any opportunity coming towards me. But I doubt that would happen in the near future. So I'm going to wait and bare some hope that it will sooner or later be presented in the greatest way to me.

I hope god sees prayers and grants me my wish that I would soon get what I want. I want MARA, in the course that I intended and at the place that I wish to pursue my studies. Degree in Actuarial Science, UK. Amin. :)