Saturday, January 12, 2013

Career conflict

I'm now having a second thought about pursuing my studies in AS because there are just so many things at stake. I need to consider yet again the professional exams that I need to take and risk everything if I don't pass. The time management itself is just completely absurd! The discipline is already hard for the undergraduates and they have to face the same challenges when they have graduated. I don't know whether I am up for this.

It is so difficult because deciding that one proffesion that you will never ever regret taking is somewhat hard for a person like me. I look at this as something that I really can't make up my mind by my own insight but I need other recommendation and advises by those people who have long known the predicament that this alluring job gives. Many people are tempted to pursue their studies in AS because they think that they can get high paid salary. It is true but only if you passed all of those exams which is very very hard and need to be tested multiple times before getting the green light to become a professional actuary.

Recently, the blogs have really opened my eyes to the problems I might face if AS were to be one of my options. But the real problem is that the subjects this course provides. I can't imagine myself sitting in front of the lecturer being engrossed by what to me will be something very much boring and dull and I just hate something related to economics. I remember being exposed to the subject and my first impression was really really not something for a student like me be doing if this were to be my own choice of study. It wasn't my intention to hate the subject but I thought it was not something that I can cope with in the future.

Okay, so what do I really like? Honestly, I like brain storming, researching, reading science related subjects and looking at the theories made by the prolific scientists. I yearn something which involves scientific research and studying with sheer scrutiny. I too love teaching people because it has always been my passion to share what I think and even become a professor. I would pretty much love to be a professor. But I don't know what course to embark?

My parents are very against with the idea of me pursuing engineering because of some personal family reasons. I too can't see myself being trapped into that kind of situation supervising a road construction and standing under the scorching sun until I see my skin darkened. I love being in laboratory or in an office in front of a computer, eagerly pressing the keyboard. Being a boss and instructing people have always been my dream and eve if it seems cruel but I just love making projects and managing the whole idea and making it a one realisation.

I took some career path tests and still I am clueless of what I shall choose. I see no end to this never-ending problem. I thought I was firmed with my first decision but when I kept on researching, my mindset deviated from passion to none. Right now, I just can't imagine myself being an actuary. I want something that I wouldn't regret doing and I really need to make up my mind soon or else I will end up seeing my future ruined. That would be a nightmare for me!

Au revoir!

Sunday, January 6, 2013


I observe and scrutinize people at a very close watch and it occurred to me of how do I or any one else can differentiate of those with gorgeous physiques and those who don't. How can we note that a person as being good looking? Or how can we be attracted to our partners? It must have been born with us or else we will not be able to rate people at their beauty. 

I question at how we observe and response to it. Is it likely we response to the beauty of something like we sense the hotness and the coldness of a substance through our embedded receptors deep beneath our skins? I kindly look at this something immeasurable because we can't touch or feel beauty as it is an abstract and intangible. We are taught to only praise those who is with beauty and of good looking. 

It must have been in our blood or more specifically in our genetics to look at something and give remarks to it. Does it have something to do with our hormones and the induced urge or feeling of being awed by the sheer beauty of someone? It is really inexplicable because I am now speaking through what I observed and not through of any detailed research nor the surfed website to find the accurate resources. I am very sure we trained ourselves to look at something and ingrained ourselves with the specific adjectives to it. 

It puzzles me sometimes as to why we are attracted to beauty. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If the person views his partner being enchantingly beautiful, we do not necessary need to have the mutual feelings towards the latter. I look at beauty as something that has this fixed value that we perceive. The golden ratio has been identified as one of the ways of measuring people at their beauty. Angelina Jolie being one of the highest marks proves how beauty must have some correlation to how we perceive the structure and the symmetrical of someone's face. 

Having the exact ratio does not mean you are beautiful but it only proves of how perfect your face is. It is said that whose face has the exact measurement to the golden ratio will have the most perfect face there is in this world. But I see beauty as something indefinite but measurable that it is out of our reach of explaination to measure beauty and it is up to the eyes of the beholder to judge and give comments. I really want to study more about these kind of things and hopefully can even publish a book pertaining to this topic. I will definitely do a research on this.

Gave Another Go at Driving Lessons

Right this second, I have done a whole 6 hours of tiring and nerve wrecking driving lessons. I see no clear melioration towards my driving skills but I am making less mistakes than before. At least, it wasn't as bad as the second time I drove a car where I bumped onto poles, the car stuck on the road and almost rammed into another innocent car. You can't imagine the looks on my instructors'  faces when they saw me did that, with a grin on their jaws, hand pressing hard on their laps and the most scariest, meanest stare I have ever seen.

Just imagine being under an instructor whose face is seriously intimidating and a deep voice just waiting to explode when I make some silly unforgivable mistakes for a driver of hours of driving like me. Yesterday was a lucky day when it was my first time getting taught by a woman and she was very nice at giving advices along side with her knack at teaching people, it made my driving lesson went smoothly where there was not much mistakes that I made except for when I almost yet again hit a pole. She left me to drive alone in the car to go about with my own driving, going around the track making sure I turn at every curve smoothly and safely. 

It was not my first time being in a car alone. I remember toppling a couple of poles before the instructor rushed back in into the car and gave me a one by one step of what I should and should not do when I park and that was my first time driving by myself. Continuing with my awful driving I went onto the road which was with less mistakes along the way and I made it clear that I was not going to give up and be more cautious when it comes to advancing to the next step. One of the instructors said that I wasn't that bad at driving I was just too nervous and doesn't have patience when controlling the gear and clutch.

Tomorrow is going to be the day where I no longer make any mistake and get praised for the keenness of my driving skills. okay, I'm being too exaggerated. But it seems finally I get all things straight and face the instructor and tell him the truth at how bad I am at driving in order for them to give me more detailed advises and not something that even I cannot apprehend. That's all I want to say and wish me the best for tomorrow. 

Au revoir!

Acturial Science

I am now having a career conflict. I am still not firmed with my decision. It has always been one of my dreams to be a successful actuary. But after some reading and probing the websites posted in the internet pertaining to being an actuary, I am conflicted to whether I should go with it or try to opt to something else. There are just so many remarks about being an actuary and some of them are changing my mindset of what actuary is. Am I up for it?

Graduated from a university doesn't mean you are a qualified actuary instead you are merely a graduate from that field and are required to undergo several rigorous professional exams and passing them are one of the prerequisites of a qualified actuary in any of the companies present. Other than that, you have to have experiences being an actuary before being hired to work in a company but I felt it a bit of a weird qualification of an actuary because you have to work to gain experience even for a beginner and if they don't accept beginners well I guess actuary are not work-oriented. 

Those professionals exams are not as something that you can pass only by one examination but you have to do it for several times before you can succeed. Many have failed before passing them. Most of them find it irritating but due to the fact that this was their choice of a job, there is nothing more that they can do. This is what they expressed in most of the post I read. Sounded a bit uncertain, I did some check and balance and I am still torn between two. I will not proceed to the next step in my life without a clue of what I should be. It will be risking every thing for nothing. 

Let us look at the pros and cons of being an actuary. 

1. Actuaries are paid well, and can earn money as much as those occupants who have worked up to 10 or 15 years for their first-pay. 
2. The working environment of an actuary is well-organised and perfect for those who are seeking a job whose work is in an office. 
3. The job is firmed and it provides you concrete job where you don't have to worry of shouldering the responsibilities of needing money to support your family.
4. Wide range of job opportunities.
5. It meets to my requirement of having a job simply because it is math-oriented.
6. Involves risk management and most of all you can work at a bank.
7. High chance of going overseas furthering studies at a renown universities.

Those were the advantages. And now the disadvantages.

1. Professional Exams, - Very hard, time consuming, quite costing because you need to pay for the exams-most of them have to retake the exams for several times before passing them. Just imagine how much they need to pay.
2. Yes, they are math oriented but most of the hard papers are all writings and you need to be good at it before passing. If not, the only thing you can see is a failure to this job.
3. The course of learning is extremely hard and I read one of the posts stating that the percentage of students who stopped hall-ways are quite high. (I don't want to do that!)
4. Most of them are reading subjects and you have to memorize them. (I'm okay about memorising but if it only involves the subjects I love-Biology, and Sciences. I don't mind memorising these at all.) Most of the things which are required to be memorised are finances, insurance and history which I hated the most.
5. Unless you passed all of the exams, the job opportunities are way limited.
6. In Malaysia, not many of the actuaries present which proves to show how tough it is to pass the exams. 

Looking above make me listless to its tough requirements. I really hope that I can make my mind before it is too late. I need to look for many more resources and ask many of my friends about this job. If it is going to be something I am pleased to be working for, and dedicated my life to for eternity. I can't make the wrong decision or else I am never going to succeed at what I am doing. 

Au revoir!

Saturday, January 5, 2013



I wonder how does it feel to have a best friend. Someone you could talk to any kind of topic without that person feeling irritated and at the same time, depend on to, depicting the earnest understanding towards the problem I have. Who is my best friend? I don't know. Every time, I pondered and contemplated, I felt sad and hurt. I don't know to whom I shall talk to. To whom I can share all of deepest scariest secrets to. To whom I can rely on when I have problems that I can never cope alone.

I hate it when every time I looked into the mirror and saw myself alone, without having any one behind me who can lend me a hand when I need a help, someone who is close enough to understand me and supportive when it comes to lessening the sadness I feel.

I sleep listlessly every night knowing how I'm not capable of undergoing the hardship alone. I felt sad. I see many of my comrades are having the most wonderful time of their life because they know when each time they felt sad and helpless, they can always go and see each other, share the stories they have and possibly look into each other's eyes and say, it's all going to be okay. I'm pleading to god so that one day, I can have a friend like this. 

For now, I am alone.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


Apparently, tomorrow marks a new year in my life. I bet most of us would have new resolutions that we wish to fulfill being attached to them as though they are promises that we are obliged to. 

For me, I intend not to have any new resolutions in life. I want the year 2013 to be a start for a new life, acquiring much knowledge in me through my senses regarding the world and mostly get a deeper view on myself. I want nothing but to know myself better. It it no ridicule in what I intend but merely to know what will suit me best in life. Is it enough for me to live alone by myself? Or am I in dire need of support knowing how I can be too attached with the people around me. 

Those are the questions I need to answer in order for me to know myself better. Am I firmed enough to make decisions? Can I triumph after failing so many times? I need to put myself in those situations for me to get the required answers and to fill in the loopholes in my life with hopes of bringing myself up, away from any problems which is hardly enough for me to even devote myself to them. Not getting my hopes too high but staying away from problems are already a problem for me. This is an utterly serious matter that I need to promise myself try avoiding making nemesis and try to find descent friends instead.

This year has had its impact and influence towards my life. I will never ever forget what happened to me throughout this year and may they be references for me to pin point the righteous acts acceptable enough for me and for the people around me. 

I have hopes but they depend on what has been written in my book of life. This what we call as destiny. I am powerless to change them but I can always for my betterment. So insyaAllah 2013 I will receive a very very good news. 9A+ Amin.