Thursday, June 13, 2013

My life...

If you were to see me two months ago and ask me what I would want to do in the future I would happily lay out to you my plans coherently but now everything's obscured, my future is cloudy and every single plan that I had before is ruined. I used to have a clear mind of what I would want to do in the future but now, all that I could think of is what I should do to salvage the downfall of my life. I have nothing now, only matriculation to hold on to. My mind is too wicked by the fact that my goal is now falling down into the drain and there's nothing viable that I could do to gain what I had lost.

I've been in the matriculation for a whole week and there's nothing good that I can say except for the friends that I managed to make. They're the ones who are keeping me there, still in the need to reaching my goal. But what goal? I know I want to succeed but what? I know I want to go abroad, study there, spend a quarter of my life, embarking to an inevitable abyss of possibilities. I know one way of doing that but I'll come back, serving for the government, working as a lecturer for the whole 7 years of my life. Am I up for it? I know I want to succeed and study abroad but would I want to risk everything just to know that I'll come back as a lecturer?

It has always been my dream to become a lecturer, enlightening other people with the knowledge that I have. But would that be enough to satisfy my desire, my goal, my very dream? If only god grants me what I desire most in life but that's a question I shouldn't dare to ask. I know god knows what's best for me and I should embrace it and not to question it. But I'm just to sad. I'm sad but I can't cry, I don't even know how to express it. I know that there's a lump in my throat just waiting to explode but I can't. There's something holding me back but I don't know what.

There's too much going on with my life and I can't simply digest all of that. I need some time to recover and set a new goal. I need some time to contemplate, to ponder on what I should do next. Had everything gone according to plan, I wouldn't have to put so much effort in carving a new goal in my brain. I should have done something, but it's too late. There's nothing that I can do now but to wait and seize any opportunity coming towards me. But I doubt that would happen in the near future. So I'm going to wait and bare some hope that it will sooner or later be presented in the greatest way to me.

I hope god sees prayers and grants me my wish that I would soon get what I want. I want MARA, in the course that I intended and at the place that I wish to pursue my studies. Degree in Actuarial Science, UK. Amin. :)

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