Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Randomising my thoughts again

Why do I feel unsatisfied with myself? I see no clear answer to that. I have a family, a complete one in this case. I have a house, a cute cat and home equipments to render my days pleasant. I have friends; I have close friends who understand me and accept me for who I am. I was sent to school since kindergarten and received a really good education. I had moments where I felt surreal because I just accomplished and succeeded doing something which was beyond my very own expectation.

I had a bicycle; I rode it everyday when I went to school. I was then sent to a boarding school which was really a privilege back then. It wasn't any other school to me, it was a special one. I met tons of new friends and manage to enrich my life with the things that I never thought that I will ever do. I carved my own specific future which was to be one day a realisation. I knew myself better then the last 15 years before I entered that school. I know I can be anything as long as I keep my mind focused and fixated onto that one goal.

I have a splendid life. I don't really have any real tragic events that could traumatised me when I was little. I have loving parents who care for me and cater to my every need despite the ones which were hard to materialise. I have sisters and brother who love me more than I could have ever wanted. They give me presents on my birthday, sing a song and wish me happy birthday. That was more than enough to me.

But why do I feel my life to be incomplete? - lacking of something important, essential in keeping me alive. I don't know what or why. I don't know how to solve this ambiguous problem but what I do know it's eating me alive inside and out. It keeps me from being happy; it doesn't allow me to smile even one bit when I'm alone. Once I have my mind wandered off into an unknowing, all of these vivid visions of the failures that I did throughout my life come crashing into one small threshold in my mind. It's now packed with unresolved issues, resolved but problematic ones and the problems which probable enough to come true in the future.

It's keeping me far away from myself. It's not giving me any benefit what so ever. It trashes my thoughts, my feelings with these unwarranted notions of my deepest failure. I know I have everything already, but a positive outlook isn't what's present in my mind right now. Only negativity thrives and sets foot into my mind, belittling every idea, concept that I have about life or about my future. I'm lacking of that person who knows me better than anyone else. I don't have that person who can guide me through the right way when I am lost. I haven't yet found that person who can encourage me to keep on going despite all of the casualties that might have befallen onto me. I'm not sure if I will ever find one but when I do, I'm going to make sure that I'll keep a good care of her.


  1. yeah . faced the same probs as yours .
    told a friend and she said , "the only place where u can find solace is when u'r with Him . And find ur salvation of burdens and problems in His book."
    ... and she's right . (well I'm not trying to be alim or what. just a share)
    Cheer up , Huhu :)