Random thought on random evening

Do I enjoy reading that much? I would probably say no. But I do read just not as much as most people would. And I do love writing but I won't call myself as addicted to it because I only write when I want or feel to and sometimes, I would only do half of it and just left the other parts on hiatus for a very long time or even forever.

I don't understand people. I don't even understand myself most of the time. I even lie to myself. I know it's kind of weird to say that but I do. It's like when you're drinking a cup of coffee but you keep on telling yourself that's it's actually a tea that you're drinking. So the situation would most have the correlation to what I was trying to convey.

I think it's just my nature to lie to myself. Maybe it's a survival mechanism? I don't really know. But sometimes, it makes myself feel all vulnerable and there are even at times that I feel I'm just hurting myself more than to protect it. Should I accept the fact, I would probably hold myself stuck to the ground even longer, I think. I don't know.

It's even harder to intrepret to what you're action comes next. You either be mad at something or just yell frantically without any other substantial reason as to why you did so, but you just do it. This ambiguity is what making me think that my life is unfathomable. I can't really sense any revelation or disclosure to my action though sometimes it only makes sense after for a very long time.

I respect people who have the full control of themselves. I'm just really jealous to see my friends who have no worries whatsoever. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be in their shoes. But it's like what they say, you couldn't really sense any living creatures just by watching the surface of the water. You'd need to dive into it in order to explore those diverse lives living under it.

I might be looking at a successful person but deep down inside, the problems are just aching to explode into million of sharp pieces of glass that could easily hurt the latter.

Well, I think that's all that I could write for now. But if I found other things to talk about, I will surely come here, to impart the message.

My adventure part 1

You can call me a boring pathetic man who his life has nothing more to do than with his computer, typing away to a wasteful long multipled pages of mundane texts or engrossing upon a series of unwatched movies daily, but I see myself more than that. I see myself as an adventurous little old lad who has dreams more than anyone else. Cruising to an abyss sea, oblivious to the huge storm hidden beyond the farthest end of the ocean has always been a fantasy I never manage to realise. Though, the idea of cruising to my own danger seems so much more as a suicidal mission than a wild escapade, I find it very beckoning.

I might never have that exact same experience but I have encountered a few of similar ones. I remembered going into a woods with my classmates hitch hiking on a quite sloppy hill. I was still in my primary, if I'm not mistaken. I had doubts going in because being a spoiled little kid that I was, the idea of going in seemed less intriguing than I am now. Can anyone tell me, how on earth that a 12 year old kid could be brave enough to venture into that kind of onerous task? Okay, I might be the only one who says that it's impossible but yes, I have come so far as to reject that at that time. 

So I went in, reluctantly. I made sure that each and every one of my step would make a strong grip with the ground and if I felt like slipping just a tiny bit, I would quickly grab hold to the nearest possible inanimate object that I could see, many of which are the bushes and small trees. I was actually very tiny back then, so I think that it is possible for me to depend my life on midget objects like the bushes or those small trees. Okay, I know it's dangerous to touch those with your bare hands- you might get poisoned by the torns or caught by small insects which could inject you with deadly venoms. So I was oblivious to that kind of danger but who cares right? I am safe now.

Long after, I became used to how the soft ground worked. I just need to be extra careful on the grounds which seemed less likely to give me some safe assurance. And a tip for you guys, just follow the footprints clearly embedded on the grounds. If someone has stepped foot on those grounds, so it is safe to say that you can too. But don't rely on my tip too much, I'm less eligible to give you such an advice- And yes, I am no safety woods patrol.

But, I became too complacent with the way I trusted my instinct that I began to forsake those very reliable green bushes and walked merrily without any safety. Oh I've never been so stupid in my entire life. One of my fragile little feet was caught on those tiny almost-indiscernible crawling roots which had the same colour as the ground that I mistook it myself as being the ground itself. Man, I was stupid.

As I was about to bring forward my foot which was stuck to the root, I lost my balance that I fell down with my butt sat to the ground. As I thought that the horror was over, I could feel that my momentum of falling down wasn't about to leave me safe yet- my body began to slip and I was so sure that I was about to become that little snow ball crawling down on a steep snowhill and becoming bigger and bigger as I roll down and as I took a small piece of dirt with me every time.

Gravity was about to put a toll on me and my life. As I could feel that huge force on my body I could feel the same force but it was on the opposite side. I could feel that someone managed to grab hold on my frail scrawny hand and only god knows how relieved I am. Pfffttt- a sigh of relief. It was my friend who saved my life. I owe him my life if only I could still remember who was the one saved me. But, I can't say that I was saved yet. As I was about to stand, his grip became loose that I again lost my balance. In other words, it became this series of misfortunes that seemed endless and ongoing to me.

To be continued...

My pain

I can't wait for the pain to go away. I can't wait to leave everthing behind.

It's just too painful to trust someone. I'm just too gullible.

I hope that the time would just fly away faster so that I don't have to endure every bit of this bitter moment alone. I hope that I can stay calm under pressure.

Had only I known this would happen, I would have created a whole different dimension for myself so that no one else but me can enter.

I don't know how to heal a pain that I myself can't see nor touch. I don't know how to redeem the past that was all butterflies and rainbows. If only time can be repeated, I would have never made that mistake.

If only time can help me to heal the wound which is so delicate, so fragile that without the  proper touch it'll be even more painful.

It seems so hard for me to forget. It's even harder to let everything go when there's a big constant reminder and even more so that the object is in front of you everyday, every painful minute and evert bitter second.

It's just so painful.

It's even painful to forget.

It's even more painful to remember.

Chinese new year and I'm busy writing

I'm happy. I don't really know why or perharps I just don't want people to know why, but I'm really glad that I did what I did. I know it's irrational or maybe too overrated but I had to do what I have to do. It feels right and I now see everything clearly now.

It all seems to be better to me now. I now can live my life to the fullest without that feeling of regret and unsatisfied. I hope that after this I won't be having any problems like this anymore. But I know that god gives you obstacles in life in order to test your faith in Him. And He knows best for you and for your future. I need to believe that.

This is really something good for me. I really feel it. I'm more positive and much stronger. If there's something so gloomy and so perplexing, you tell yourself that there's always a positive side to things, especially when it's something to do with your faith to god.

Now I speak for myself and also to others that you need to balance everything about yourself, from the spiritual stuffs and to you physical and emotions so that they can give you a positive mind set and perpetual happy thoughts. Perhaps what I did might backfire me someday, but I know what I did is the right thing. I'm much and much more superior in every single aspect and I need to believe that.

I have one bright future in front of me and myriads of choices to choose from. I can basically live my life leisurely if I keep on working hard. Trust yourself, Husen that you can do it. That the future is something that you can shape and it is in your very grasp that you could do almost anything to it. You just need to keep on ignoring those things that might pester in your way and just keep looking ahead. That's the right way.

Emotions can be hard to handle but I'm basically joyful right now and I hope this keeps on. Can't wait to go back to college and just focus on my studies. I can't wait to score in my examinations. I can't wait to get into my preferred university. I can't wait to to finish my studies. I can't wait to work. I can't wait to show my parents that I have finally become the son that they have always wanted. And I can't wait for my family to be proud of me because I know that my potential is much broader than I could think of.

Thanks god for showing that I'm actually much braver than I thought. Thank you. :)

A remembrance to my thoughts

There's no shortcuts in life. There's only the hard way and I tell you it's pretty damn hard. Most often you see yourself getting stuck at few places and don't know where to start over.

You'll just condemn yourself for making that huge stupid mistake and let yourself drown in it which is really not a bad idea but only if you feel stupid enough to ruin your life just like that.

You take those arduous excursions just to know in the end that you'd be lost instead of finding answers to your life's riddle. But we need not to be dissapointed because at the end of the journey there will always be a place for you to stay and enjoy the moment. May it be a long big house equipped with tools and beautiful accessories to adorn the whole house or only neccessary items to complement the needs of the house. We all know that we can finally rest in it and to continue on the tiring journey on the next day.

I myself have always been making every single thing complicated when they are actually very simple. Nothing to fret actually. I used this road which at first seems so beautiful and enchanted when in the end it will actually lead me to a false path. Life does not always look easy. You need to push yourself to the limit and never choose the easy way because finally you'll only suffocate yourself with other onerous problems.

Try to use long big paths which can lead you to the right destination. Maybe you'll get yourself into small pot holes in the roads but remember nothing that small can get in your way of attaining your self-happiness even if it means sacrificing a few of your happy moments.

Life is too short to let it be ruined by other things. Life needs to be meaningful to you and to others so that it can keep on living in the hearts of the people who love you or remember you. Life need not to be arduous. Life can be easy but it's up to you to think of it that way. Nothing can get in between of you and your long most coveted things which are peace and long life serenity.

A piece of my mind

What has been done is done.. no turning back. Now im on a brink of collapsing and only faith has held me so strong..

But i dont know how long or how strong for it to last. What i hoped for isnt what ive expected and whats more embarrasing, its totally the opposite of my expectation and everyone else including my own family. So many things going on lately and problems are dwelling inside of me like a bomb just waiting to explode.

Theres really no use in fretting in what that has been done.. but us human especially me cant stand a chance with my own thoughts.. its like a natural virus already embedded inside of you and is only waiting for the right to thing to trigger it into function.

Am i not blessed enough with what i have? Each and every one of us has our own problem to sort out and different people has their own different way of solving it. Maybe im not the type of person who can handle problems properly but i do have those people around me who can.. thats why i just need to learn how to trust them and stop pushing them away.