My story of life

When I watched a movie, I would get all excited and anxious to get to the end of the story because usually the ending is the part where the conflicts would be untangled and the answers to all of the riddles are there. It would normally be a happy ending. But to be honest, that was never the real ending to the story. Life keeps on going after that even though the filming stops. To me, there's never a happy ending. Endings are always sad and we just need to know how to cope with them.

Since we were children, the stories told to us would be joyful and meaningful and ended with a happy ending. But as we grow older, we know that that's not the real thing here. We don't see people getting married and lived happily ever after. We don't see couples who knew each other just for a day and immediately getting married after that. There really isn't any real handsome knight in shining armour to save you from the evil clutch of a gruesome witch and marry you when it's all over. Life's just not like that.

You see a married couple so in love and happy together and wish that the time would just stop so that they can continue on cherishing the moment they have together, but as time evolve so is the relationship. The flame on a candle which was used to light up so brightly will soon lose its brightness and dim and finally go off. That spark was never to be found again and what's keeping them together is their children, if they even have any.

You see movies where people would just open up a business and it was very hard for them at first and in the end, the business which was so tough at first became so easy to them. But we all know that there's a sequel to that story. It won't always be like that. Soon, the business will experience a downfall and it's up to that person who needs to salvage everything that was left and just start anew. He will probably get on his feet again and then thrive again and might even be more successful. That's just life.

We hope that the ending would be great but it isn't really. You know you just need to keep on going and no matter how suck you're making your life as it is, just accept it and continue on doing what you're doing. Probably you'll stuck at some places but don't worry. You just need to get back on your feet and start making new stories. But this time you better make many versions of them. You'll never know how they'll end but what you do know is that there's always going to be a new start and along the way,  you'll make new happy moments and meet that strong knight you've been searching for, be in love, open up a business and ending your life as you wish

Randomising my thoughts again

Why do I feel unsatisfied with myself? I see no clear answer to that. I have a family, a complete one in this case. I have a house, a cute cat and home equipments to render my days pleasant. I have friends; I have close friends who understand me and accept me for who I am. I was sent to school since kindergarten and received a really good education. I had moments where I felt surreal because I just accomplished and succeeded doing something which was beyond my very own expectation.

I had a bicycle; I rode it everyday when I went to school. I was then sent to a boarding school which was really a privilege back then. It wasn't any other school to me, it was a special one. I met tons of new friends and manage to enrich my life with the things that I never thought that I will ever do. I carved my own specific future which was to be one day a realisation. I knew myself better then the last 15 years before I entered that school. I know I can be anything as long as I keep my mind focused and fixated onto that one goal.

I have a splendid life. I don't really have any real tragic events that could traumatised me when I was little. I have loving parents who care for me and cater to my every need despite the ones which were hard to materialise. I have sisters and brother who love me more than I could have ever wanted. They give me presents on my birthday, sing a song and wish me happy birthday. That was more than enough to me.

But why do I feel my life to be incomplete? - lacking of something important, essential in keeping me alive. I don't know what or why. I don't know how to solve this ambiguous problem but what I do know it's eating me alive inside and out. It keeps me from being happy; it doesn't allow me to smile even one bit when I'm alone. Once I have my mind wandered off into an unknowing, all of these vivid visions of the failures that I did throughout my life come crashing into one small threshold in my mind. It's now packed with unresolved issues, resolved but problematic ones and the problems which probable enough to come true in the future.

It's keeping me far away from myself. It's not giving me any benefit what so ever. It trashes my thoughts, my feelings with these unwarranted notions of my deepest failure. I know I have everything already, but a positive outlook isn't what's present in my mind right now. Only negativity thrives and sets foot into my mind, belittling every idea, concept that I have about life or about my future. I'm lacking of that person who knows me better than anyone else. I don't have that person who can guide me through the right way when I am lost. I haven't yet found that person who can encourage me to keep on going despite all of the casualties that might have befallen onto me. I'm not sure if I will ever find one but when I do, I'm going to make sure that I'll keep a good care of her.

It's almost the end of holidays

I don't really have any particular topic to write especially when my holidays are spent completely in my own home by myself and not with my friends nor my family. Whom should I blame this to? I should blame myself for this mundane holiday I spent isolated from my friends when I could have gone to many wondrous places and even to the beach just at the back of my house; I can watch flocks of synchronised birds flying above my head, the ever beautiful sunset, primordial since the beginning of time and the vast abysmal turquoise ocean which nothing could fathom its depth, so deep ,profound and fraught with mysteries of life. I could have spent my time engrossing onto the ever so enjoyable scene of humans playing football or even better that I could have joined them to the excitement of team work and effort.

Curiosity has always been intertwined with my destiny since my nascence to this earth oblivious to any circumstances which might lie before me or have been presented to me in the most eerie and unfathomed way that only true believers could comprehend its hidden meaning, deciphering the algorithm in which only god knows how to perform. I should have enjoyed the moment by relinquishing my thirst to my curiosity of how this world have come into prominence and worked its way to help mankind symbiotically living together with mother nature and other living creatures.

Long have I coveted the moment where I could be alone to my books on an island peaceful enough that only the sound of gush wind and waves pattering harmoniously could penetrate my ears. I have always imagined myself unwinding to the sound of nature working at its course.

All those wonderful moment that I had should have been preoccupied with memorable and ponderable activities. Never will it be so wasting nor unwittingly spent, had I planned everything beforehand. It's too late for me to feel that way and more so that I had to go back to my college in just a few days from now. I wish I could have more time to enjoy my holidays and don't have to feel too burden by those heavy notes, books and most importantly responsibilities as a student, son and friend. Truthfully, I have so many things on my plate and I have to make sure that everything that I do is impeccable and without error.

Wishing for all the luck that I could get from you guys. :)

Friends

What are friends? In general, friends are like long-life companions where they stick to you till the end. You share everything together, you eat together, laugh together and even sing together. Having friends are life's pleasures. They give you hope and unequivocal certainty about life and they'll lead you to your own path. They know what's best for you and for your entire life. Helping you to your times of needs is their absolute priority in life and nothing can change that fact. They'll lend you a hand though it is difficult for them to do so and it might even jeopardise their own life in doing it.

Making mistakes and teasing each other are like your common necessity in keeping the friendship going. Friends give you joy and happiness and put a big smile on your face when you're down and gloomy. They'll in fact sing you a song to cheer you up, giving you hope that no one else can. 

Sometimes, life is like a rocking boat, imbalanced and uncertain. Most often we see life in its brightest side and sometimes we don't but friends are the ones who can shed the light on your ambiguity and confusion about it. Regardless whether they give you appropriate advice or not, its the effort that counts. They'll show you how they can help you in any possible way they can despite the finite strength and wit they have within them. 

If you feel a big burden on your shoulders, they'll lend you their shoulders instead and alleviate the burden to become lesser or even none. These are merely my thoughts and description on what friends are like. Maybe different people have different ideas of what friends are like. But to me, friends can help you, amend you, train you, give joy to you, and lighten up your day. Friends are forever.

Another blabbering from me

This is just some kind of random babbling and I just feel the need to share. So when I was a young kid, I have been ingrained with this notion that to be successful you need to become a doctor. As gullible as I was at that time, I agreed to the idea unknowingly. I felt at that moment everything has been set for me and I just need to make sure that everything would go smoothly. This was the very reason why I would do anything to achieve that so call perfect result in any kind of examination.

But as I grew older, everything seems to change and my ideology of a perfect life has also changed. It was this year that had actually really took my by a stupendous surprise. I thought by obtaining that result that I have always wanted, I could possibly gain anything- I can choose any scholarships I want, I can go to anywhere I want and I practically choose my own path to a freed happy life. 

Those dreams, those hope were then crushed into oblivion when I did not get anything. I was so sad that it took me months and months to recover emotionally. I was depicting this joyful bouyant guy when in fact, my emotions were churning wildly like big whirlpools inside my heart. I had no one to tell this to that I bore this inside my heart for weeks until it finally exploded one day. It was the most difficult moment in my life and I was so ignorant to realise the fact that everything was going to be fine that I chose not to believe it.

I wasn't stern as I was used to and I couldn't think straight and everything seemed so blurry to me. At that moment, I contemplated for a very very long time. It took me quite a long time to realise that fame, money, wealth and fortune are not everything. Happiness is what's important here. The essential part about all of this is that, though you might have a big condominium, a shiny red racing car and hectars and hectars of land, it can never ensure that you'll achieve that total happiness you've been searching for. 

You might have a lot of money but are you happy with you're current life? And are you happy doing what you're currently doing right now? I don't want to spend my whole life doing something I don't want to. It's taking away my happiness though I might gain wealth in return. It's just not what I'm looking for. I want to live my life peacefully without anyone telling me what I should and shouldn't do. I want to carve my own path and not someone else telling me to. Yes people would go to great lengths just to obtain this luxury but I wouldn't. It's better for me to live a short happy life than to live a long painful one. 

I see so many of my friends going through this phase of life and only realising the dreams of others and not their own. They're living in the shadows of others, blaming themselves for the mistakes they've made after that. I know that good education will bring you amendments to your life but if it also brings you misery then I really think you should stop from enduring this suffering. I'm telling this to myself for I have spent 18 years being taught to achieve what I want but never to do things that can please me.

Sensing the pleasure of life really gives you peace at mind and serenity at heart. I want that. I want to be happy and not engrossing myself in this wild mind set that I need to gain money to be happy. No I don't want that. I want life as it is to me and relying solely on god for this. I believe in becoming successful but I don't believe doing the things that you despise of doing will get you to the path you want to. It'll only make you suffer even more. 

Late night confession

This is more like a midnight confession rather than a normal mundane-looking blogging session. Truth be told, since I got back home, my feelings have been churning inside of me like a ship wreck. Everything seems so not normal these days and I constantly experience drastic emotional changes that I wish to never ever haunt or even pester my mind again. I feel gloomy for no good reason at all. And for a second there, I start to feel all angry and emotional. Am I suffering from a mental disorder? Okay, I hope not and I just don't want that to be in the list of plausible answers later on.

Currently, I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster which makes my feeling all topsy-turvy. Sometimes, I feel happy and the next thing I just feel all gloomy and oppressed. Actually, there have been so many things going on lately with my life that it maybe sometimes strikes me in the head that I'm just too blind to realise it. Though I might be smiling from the outside but my inner thoughts are scarred with these long past bad memories. It needs healing and I've been ignoring it for such a long time now.

One of the best ways of curing this type of ailment-heart issues, is to concede your feelings to whom you believe is the closest to you. As to me, God has always been my one and only best friend. I know I won't get any clear reply from Him but I know he's listening attentively to me without judging me ever so quickly. He'll help me if He thought that I'm sincere enough which makes it even more valuable. I might not be the ideal figure to Him but I'm trying my best to portray myself as a good follower to Him with the hope of my problems fading away.

I usually have this recurring issue after spending much time wandering my mind off somewhere that these past bad memories just came back in a whole bundle, just to haunt me back with its perplexing problems. Sometimes, I would just sink in into those problems and drown myself without even realising it. I know I need somekind of disclosure with someone but as I said, no one else can do this job better than Him. My only hope is for Him to help me and give me strength for which can help me to face my arduous life ahead. I think this is more than enough to help me reconcile with my own inner thoughts that it'll subside the pain a bit. :)

Semester break, PSPM 1

Howdy guys. I know I have not been paying much attention to this crappy blog of mine and to even sprucing up a bit to make it more readable but I know for now I don't have much time to do so. I'll try to do better next time. But before that, let me start off by saying that I have finally finished my semester exam and it's now my sem break. All is freaking awesome with this world again. Not to mention countless hours of sleeps and entertainment that I can experience here in my own home. I'm happy to tell you that I've finished my exam two days ago and though it was a nerve wrecking week for me but nothing beats having friends coming over and hoping to hop in as well while you're studying. Learning together and chatting things that none of which would come up if exam wasn't even near.

I know I've mentioned abt finals a couple of time and yes my sole intention of writing here in the first place is to briefly describe to you the horror of my exam week, putting aside the part where I mentioned about friends earlier. So the weekend started of with english as the opening to the whole week of creepiness and crapiness. I would describe as nothing more as an exercise to me because I know that english at that time wasn't as important as other subjects. So I answered it with patience and effort but I'm not too worried of the outcome later on. And yeah I forgot to mention that I had a muet test a few days before the exam and it was speaking test. It was awesome and that was the first time that I felt quite satisfied with my performance. So yeah I'll elaborate on that in the next post.

Okay, so on the evening I had my maths paper 1 exam and how do I describe it? Well, it was excruciatingly mind-pestering. I had to brainstorm for about 15 minutes just for a question and sometimes though I'd tried to find the answers or even the idea of solving it, I failed. I did leave a few questions unanswered and that was the first time I did that for a very important occasion like this one. I used to have at least a tinge of idea of what to do and that I used to patch the empty spaces in my paper but this time I just left it blank, answerless. stupid of me right? And what's more worrying is that I'm not confident with the answers that I gave. I felt that though I did solve it but my answers could be just blatantly wrong maybe due to my carelessness of writing or scheming the questions that I understood wrongly.

So after that was the two days off for a more time to study or revise on other chapters for other subjects. I wasted it by sleeping and procrastinating. How dumb was I to do that when such a very important exam taking place. Fu** my laziness. (sorry for the harsh word)

Then it was exam time all over again. The day started off with paper 2 for maths and ended by english paper 2. Maths was again not a friend to me. It drained my thoughts to the very bottom of my head that I felt like suffocating and I can no longer think properly. I hated this feeling so much. The feeling of not accomplishing the best result. English though it wasn't as important but I did it like it was point that could affect my pointers.

So the next day, was physics. You know what, I love physics so much. I love memorising those tough long formulas and understanding concepts that I never knew exist. But,,, and yes there's a but... the exam yet again managed to make my eyes swell a bit. It made teary because I can't answer most of the questions. And I even created my own answers. and not to mention the feeling of writing something ambiguous that the examiner my not take it as a correct answer. Oh dear god, I'm in a hell lot of trouble. So the evening was physics paper 1. 30 questions altogether and I need to finish it in an hour. So then I thought, 30 questions, this must be easy and must have more than enough time to sleep after that. Oh god, Ive never been so wrong in my entirely life. Though an hour was allocated, I still hadn't finished answering it and I managed to scribble obliviously a few answers on my objective paper.

The next day was bio. This time it was like heaven to me. You know why? Because I answered it with sheer understanding and confidence. I had no worries or doubts while answering it. for both papers. Well, I did spend a lot of time reading bio and leaving other subjects unintended. Maybe that's why I find so hard for the other subjects. So finally the exam week was ended with chemistry as the closing. Truth be told, I always did love and master this subject that I take no effort of revising the day before the exam. And look at me, chemistry was freaking hard for me. Shit! Hated the time where I realised that I answered question number 1 wrongly and let alone for the other questions.. Man, Im so screwed that I don't know how my result will soon turn out.

The best prayers for me yes mate! Please dear god give me excellent result for this exam. Im counting on my carry marks to help me and that the examiner wouldn't pay much attention to the fault that I made. :,(